Trump Claims ‘Crooked Hillary’ Wouldn’t Have The Stamina to Keep His Post-Inauguration Campaign Schedule

BOWLING GREEN, KENTUCKY — After a rally in his honor, at a wreath laying ceremony at the site of the Bowling Green Massacre, Co-President and FBI investigation subject Donald J. Trump, told reporters that his 2016 rival could never have kept up with his post-inauguration campaign schedule. Trump said that the rally earlier that day inspired him to add more to his schedule. Since being sworn-in, Trump has held a handful of rallies in states he carried.

While walking away from the Bowling Green Memorial, Trump stopped to talk to reporters.

“Some people think the job of the president is to do presidential things,” Trump said, “and so I ask you, what’s more presidential than a presidential campaign? So if you think about it, I’m being the most presidential president ever, because I’m still campaigning to this day. I think we all know a certain someone who couldn’t keep up this grueling pace, and her name rhymes with ‘Crooked Shmillary.”

Co-President Trump said it was obvious to him after watching her during the 2016 campaign that Hillary Rodham Clinton wouldn’t be able to keep the same schedule he does. Trump said that Clinton is “obviously covering up stroke after stroke and her health is clearly failing LIKE THE NEW YORK FAKE NEWS TIMES!” Trump said Clinton would be “misguided and doing all the wrong things” if she had managed to “do more than just get 3 million more votes” than he did.

“I mean, God,” Trump said, “let that be a lesson to the Democrat Party, okay? Maybe try hard to win the election both ways — you know, the way elections are won in every other modern democracy and also with that arcane bullshit the racist, slave owning founders put in place to make our country less democratic. Then you won’t be on the outside looking in at so much winning…like having two travel ban executive orders smacked down by the courts. It takes a real winner to have not one, but two orders struck down. Two’s more than one. I win.”

Reporters asked Trump if he had any guesses as to what Ms. Clinton would be doing, had she been the one sworn-in back in January. Trump sniffed loudly and shrugged.

“I don’t know,” Trump said, “She’d probably be taking the job seriously and working hard at it every day, like a low-energy idiot.”

When one reporter from a news outlet in Idaho asked him why he keeps campaigning when he won months ago, Trump got a distant look in his eyes, which seemed to be forming small tears in them.

“When you are the least popularly elected president of all time,” Trump conceded, “that means you got the least percentage of the popular vote of all time, which really means you are the least popular person to ever win.”

Mr. Trump paused, a hand on his second of three chins, pondering for a moment. Then, he took another deep sniff. He straightened what he calls the “hair” on his head.

“It kinda made me realize,” Trump continued, “if I wanted to feel better about myself in this job, I’d have to fabricate a story line that I’m way more popular than I am. So I hold these dumb rallies, pretending like thirty percent of the country represents more like eighty percent. I’m a sad man, what can I say? I’m just a sad, orange, pussy grabbing, sexual predator, con of a man.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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