WASHINGTON, D.C. — As legal turmoil and chaos swirl around the 45th President of the United States of America, sources within the White House report that he has begun reaching out to various legal scholars, asking them whether if he pardons himself now for any crimes he might be convicted of later, will it be constitutional.
Earlier this week, President Donald Trump’s newest addition to his legal team — former New York City Mayor and U.S. Attorney Rudy Giuliani — appeared on Sean Hannity’s Fox News show and dropped an enormous bombshell on not just the country, but the administration as well. Mr. Giuliani told Hannity that Trump had repaid his former attorney, Michael Cohen, for the $130,000 hush money payment made to porn star Stormy Daniels just weeks before the 2016 election. Mr. Trump had up to that point vehemently denied knowledge of the payment, saying Cohen facilitated it largely on his own. Giuliani’s appearance on Hannity seemed to cast all of Trump’s explanations for the pay off into serious doubt.
“The president is now starting to realize that this particular witch hunt might actually nab some witches,” one source close to the White House told us. “In fact, he’s starting to see that some witches have already plead guilty to witchcraft, and that they only do that when they’re about to turn on the entire coven, if you know what I mean.”
Reportedly, Trump has asked attorneys Alan Dershowitz and Lionel Hutz for advice as to whether or not he can write a presidential pardon, post-date, and sign it before he’s impeached and removed from office, and whether or not that self-pardon would be legally binding.
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“The thinking is that it would work like post-dated check,” our source tells us. “He’d write it all out, pardon himself, and then we’d tuck it away in the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. On the first day the new president — Pence, Ryan, whoever is left standing when the smoke is cleared and we can see the rubble of the administration in full focus — goes into the desk drawer, and pulls it out. Then all they should need to do is write, ‘I agree with this completely’ on the pardon, initial it, and bing-bang-boom, pardoned.”
The constitutionality of self-pardons, post-dated or otherwise, has no legal precedent.
“That’s because it’s never, ever been an issue or had to be an issue with any previous president,” our source says. “We always knew this was going to be a historic presidency. We just had no idea what all that meant, until now.”
Reached for comment, Mr. Dershowitz said he will do his best to “give President Trump whatever it is he wants to hear.”
“Even if, especially if, it flies in the face of everything we learned during Watergate,” Dershowitz told us. “I will assure the president he is most definitely above the law and that he can do literally anything he wants to because he’s pretty much a God emperor king. It’s all very plainly shown in the Constitution.”
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