Trump Administration Wants Planned Parenthood To Help With Separating Illegal Immigrant Children From Mothers

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the Donald Trump administration turned heads and shocked perhaps a few million people when they announced that a partnership with Planned Parenthood between the White House and the country’s leading provider of low cost women’s health care, Planned Parenthood, is in the works.

“Well, at first it seemed really hypocritical, nonsensical, and frankly a little ghoulish,” President Trump said in the Oval Office earlier, “but then we realized my base will support anything I want so they’ll be very pro-choice. As long as being pro-choice means being anti-Mexican, my base will be fine with it.”

Trump says that he and his staff had long, deliberative talks about how to handle the growing humanitarian crisis of their own making. There is no law that states immigrant children must be separated from their mothers and fathers if they enter the country illegally. However, that is the line of reasoning Trump and his surrogates have taken, though more and more public outcry seems to grow daily.

“Planned Parenthood is the country’s leading firm when it comes to the removal of unwanted children,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters outside the White House this morning. “So since as religious, conservative Christians we literally cannot differentiate between abortions in the first trimester of a pregnancy and murdering a baby, this plan also makes a lot of sense to us.”

Mr. Trump plans to use the leverage of federal funding for Planned Parenthood, which he has threatened to cut since taking office, to force them to play ball with his administration.

“They’ll make a deal with me, because everyone deals with me,” Trump said. “They should just ask Vlad; he’ll tell them — I’m a really bigly good negotiator!”

Reached for comment, a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood said they “have no earthly fucking clue what Trump is talking about.”

“We’d never work with them on something this vicious and cruel. I mean, it does actually sound like something the Trump administration would try to pull off,” Susan Gantry of Planned Parenthood told us. “Or it sounds like some satirical shit someone made up to make a point about the hypocrisy of a group of people pretending to care about kids so much they don’t want women to control their own genitals being totes okay with orphaning children just because their skin is brown and they come from a different country as ours.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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