Trump Tells Ohio Crowd He Alone Could Have Stopped Pearl Harbor

LAKE STEW PIT, FLORIDA — Just hours after telling a crowd in Daytona that he could have prevented 9/11, Donald Trump told another Florida crowd he could have personally stopped Pearl Harbor from happening, had be been president and/or born at the time.

Trump told the crowd in Daytona that his proposed ban of all Muslims coming into the United States would have kept the hijackers who took over planes and flew them into buildings on September 11th, 2001 from carrying out their mission. As reported in The Huffington Post, Trump said his policy would have kept the World Trade Center standing.

“Those people that knocked down the World Trade Center, most likely, under the Trump policy, wouldn’t have been here to knock down the World Trade Center.” (source)

The next day, Trump doubled-down on his historical Monday morning quarterbacking.

“Not only would my super-constitutional policy of banning people based on their religion have kept 9/11 from happening,” Trump said, “but if I had been president back in the olden times, Pearl Harbor? Totally not happening.” The crowd roared to life, and Trump repeated himself after taking a deep inhale through his teeth, “TOTALLY. NOT. HAPPENING.”

According to Mr. Trump, if he had been president and not Franklin Roosevelt back in 1941, the Japanese would never have been able to attack Pearl Harbor. He said that only the space-time continuum kept him from stopping the attack, as he was still “just a little hate-filled seed in [his] daddy’s balls.” But, he said, he and his “top scientific science advisers” have been developing time travel technology to make an effort to remedy that.

“I hired the best science guys,” Trump said, “you know, the ones from Chingchong Land? You get guys from Matzoh Town to do your money counting, and you get science guys from Chingchong Land to do your sciencey stuff. Anyway, they’ve sworn up and down to me that if I give them, like, two trillion American taxpayer dollars, they’ll get us time travel. And then guess what happens? Bing-bang-boom, I stop Pearl Harbor, kill Hitler in his crib, and give this here Sports Almanac to young Donald Trump so he can make some…well placed bets.”

During the course of the rambling, 75 minute speech, Trump said there were other historical tragedies he would have been able to stop all by himself.

“Pompei, the crucifixion of Christ, ABC’s TGI Friday line-up after Perfect Strangers went off the air,” Trump said, “you know, the real tragic stuff. All of it I could’ve prevented if you’d put me in charge.”

Reached for comment, Helen Myers of the International Institute for Foreign Relations said that Trump’s Muslim ban is “actually the kind of stuff that makes attacks like 9/11 more likely, not less.” Myers said Trump’s ideas are “stupid, dangerous, and could lead us to a path of unnecessary bloodshed and horror, so you know, Republican.”

Current polling shows Donald Trump trailing by double digits nationally.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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