Trump Directs Michael Cohen To Pay Giuliani $130,000

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Donald Trump sees his legal battles heat up, word out of the White House is that he has reached out to his former personal attorney and asked him to facilitate a payment of $130,000 to his newest attorney.

According to sources speaking on the condition of anonymity and turkey jerky, Trump called Michael Cohen — the attorney who helped pay adult film actress Stormy Daniels and buy her silence about a sexual affair with the president years ago, when he wasn’t even a political candidate. Trump asked Cohen how he was “holding up” according to our source, and asked if Cohen can do “one more bigly favor” for the president.

“Can you get Rudy to shut the hell up? He keeps going on TV and making things worse, not better,” Trump said. “He just told someone he cares more about the law than facts and I thought we were keeping that legal strategy a secret.”

Cohen reportedly told Trump he has no power to silence anyone. Trump reminded Cohen he could “come up with 130,000 ways” to silence former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Mr. Trump hired Giuliani after Cohen’s office was raided by the FBI after Special Counsel Robert Mueller recommended criminal charges against Cohen. It was Mr. Cohen who, using a non-disclosure agreement that utilized pseudonyms, made the hush money payments to Daniels. Those payments could have violated campaign finance law, argue some legal scholars.

Since he has joined Trump’s team, Mr. Giuliani has made appearances in television interviews that seemed to cause more headaches for Trump, not fewer.

“Mikey, Mikey! All you gotta do is what you always did for me,” Trump reminded the embattled lawyer. “Fix it. Just you know, conjure up another hundred and thirty grand and give it to Rudy. I like him, but he ain’t making this thing go away like he said he would. Frankly, he talks about 9/11 more than he does about my case, and I gotta be honest, I think Rudy Is 9/11’ing my case right now.”

Reportedly, Cohen remained unconvinced he was in a position to help Trump out.

“Don, I’m sorry, but I can’t help you do that kinda thing anymore,” Cohen was heard telling the president. “I don’t have access to that kind of money.”

Trump was confused.

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.

“What do you mean, Mike? Aren’t I billionaire,” Trump asked.

Cohen said that’s “what [he] understands” about Trump’s wealth.

“So, then why don’t you use some of my billions,” Trump asked incredulously.

Cohen sighed.

“Yeah, that’s a real good question, Mr. President,” Cohen said. “Why didn’t we just use some of the billions of dollars you claim to have instead of hiding the money in a series of transactions we never reported? How come we did this for an amount that would not cause any financial hardship for an actual billionaire, DONALD?!”

There was a long, unconformable silence.

“You tell ME, MR. PRESIDENT. WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST WALK THE MONEY OVER TO STORMY YOURSELF IF YOU’RE AS RICH AS YOU SAY YOU ARE,” Cohen shouted, his anger apparent. “I mean, I guess letting my shit twist in the wind was just as viable an option, sure, but…”

Trump cut Cohen off. It was time for him to head to the golf course.

“Sorry Mike, love catching up with you and all, but I have a very urgent presidential matter I must attend to, and if I don’t get there early enough, I can’t get in good range time before we tee off, you understand,” Trump said. “Thanks for fixing that Giuliani thing for me, byyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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