Trump Says He’s Having A Hard Time Hearing Paul Ryan Criticize Steel Tariffs With Mouth Full

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today President Trump told reporters that he hasn’t heard “a single word” of any criticism directed at him or his administration over his decision to place high tariffs on imported steel and aluminum. When asked about Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s criticism of the tariffs, Trump said that Ryan’s “mouth is too full of [his] dick” for him to hear anything other than mumbling out of the Wisconsin native.

“Look, maybe I’d be able to hear Paul talking shit, if he shifted a bit, or if I zipped up my fly,” Trump told reporters from Breitbart and InfoWars today, “but his mouth is too full of my dick to make out any of the details.”

Mr. Ryan is not the only one from President Trump’s own party that has criticized his tariff plan. Senators Lindsey Graham and Ben Sasse have also criticized the tariffs. Trump said he wasn’t aware of their criticisms at all, but he did admit to being able to “vaguely hear something that sounded like Paul Ryan’s voice” the other day, and thought nothing of it. Trump said he thought that there was “an outside chance” Ryan was critiquing the tariffs, but quickly put that thought out of his mind.

“Paulie has done so much kissing my ass and sucking my dick for his tax cuts that I’ve been calling him Ivanka in private,” Trump explained. “Why would he spend so much time sucking my balls clean for his tax cuts, knowing we were going to use the massive hole we just blew in the budget to argue we have to cut Social Security and Medicare, and then expect me to do anything at all when he criticizes me? Seems kinda stupid to me, and no one knows stupid like me. I’m the best at knowing stupid. Some people tell me when they think of me, they think of stupid.”

The president said that if Ryan manages to “get enough of [his] pud out of his mouth” to where he can be heard intelligibly, he will be open to hearing Ryan’s criticisms in an “open, and bigly honest way.”

“Hey, if Paulie Boy can manage to dislodge enough of my penis from his mouth long enough to make his complaints heard, I’ll hear him out,” Trump said. “I’m a benevolent leader for Chrissakes. But I have to warn him, even if he manages to stop sucking my dick in hopes of me rubber stamping whatever it is he’s got in store for the middle class, I’m prolly not going to do anything about it. I already have one vampire looking dude I have to listen to, and Stephen Miller is a very jealous man.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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