Trump, Paul Ryan Met To Discuss Most Economical Flavors of Cat Food For Social Security Recipients

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, President Donald J. Trump (R-Das Vaterland) met with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Randian Dystopia) to discuss their economic vision for the country. The meeting came as the Trump White House was releasing their first budget blueprint. The proposed budget rankled both the left and the right for various reasons. Ryan and Trump met to discuss one issue they both agree “heartily” on, Ryan said.

“The president and I met briefly,” Ryan told reporters at a prayer breakfast this week, “to discuss how we can present a united Republican economic vision. I handed him a copy of my last four budgets and said we should focus on Social Security. He heartily agreed.”

Ryan says that the first thing he and Trump agreed on was that they needed to draft a list of cat food brands that are both “tasty and nutritious” but also “completely economically feasible” to buy in bulk.

“We need to keep our seniors fed,” Ryan said, “when we gut Social Security and privatize it. That means we’re going to need a ton of delectable but affordable meal options. Clearly, cat food is the best choice since it’s human food-ish and usually made with some really choice ingredients.”

Speaker Ryan told the media that name brand cat foods were “off the table” because of price concerns. He said that instead, seniors were going to be allowed to choose from the store brands available to them locally. If seniors wish to be on a name brand cat food, their Social Security funds will only cover the amount of a generic cat food, and they will be expected to make up the difference themselves.

“Look, Americans of every age are going to have to realize we might be the richest nation ever,” Ryan said, “but we can’t be feeding Grandma and Grandpa Fancy Feast out of our own pockets. Not anymore.”

President Trump, gamboling about, was stopped by reporters and asked about his meeting with Ryan. Trump said the meeting went “bigly good” and that he and the Speaker are on the “same page completely.”

“Once Speaker Ryan explained to me what it is a president does again,” Trump said, “I was totally in lock-step with him. We simply cannot keep feeding our seniors as if when we say we’re pro-life that actually means anything. After all, are there no poor houses in the country? Isn’t it better to let them die off and maybe decrease the surplus population?”


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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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