Man Who Probably Won’t Be Alive in 20 Years Super Glad Trump Just Fucked Over the Planet

LAKE AMECHE, FLORIDA — 67 year old Jay Smitts is a life-long, self-described “dyed in the wool conservative Republican.” He has never voted for any presidential candidate that wasn’t a Republican. He listens to only right-wing talk radio, and he watches only Fox News. Jay even got a tattoo of Ronald Reagan holding hands with Richard Nixon on his left calf in his early forties.

When Mr. Smitts watched President Donald Trump announce that the United States would be leaving the Paris Accords, he says he was more excited and proud to be an American than ever before.


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“It’s so great our president has the guts to ignore science, scientists, and scientific data to go with with gut,” Smitts told us via phone interview, “or at least go with what his energy company CEO buddies tell him his gut should say.”

Smitts says he is happy to know he’ll die having helped “stop the socialist agenda of clean air and water and sustainable, reliable food supplies.”

“Maybe the libtards will just have to suck it up and eat tax cuts, or drink tax cuts, or breathe tax cuts,” Jay told us, “because I’m sick and tired of the sinister liberal agenda of a cleaner, healthier planet to live on.”




Jay is incredulous and quite doubtful of the overwhelming consensus among climate scientists that mankind is contributing to the disastrous effects of climate change. He says that climate change is “clearly a hoax” put on by “greedy, evil scientists who want to make sure our grandkids have a planet to live on one day.” The only sources he trusts on the subject of climate change are Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

“They don’t need no liberal brainwashing academy certificate to know what the weather’s like,” Jay said, “because they just stick their heads out the window and see if it’s hot or not. Weather is climate, after all. Or at least that’s what Dr. Tucker Carlson, the famous climatologist, told me. So if it’s cool where you’re at, you just know global warming is a bullshit myth perpetrated by the intelligentsia.”


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Even the fact that he’s “getting up there in years” doesn’t matter in Jay’s mind. He says that it was his “honor and duty” to elect Trump because “caring about the environment is what cucks do.” Smitts says he’ll die a happy man, knowing that he did everything he could to “help the world burn long, long after” he’s gone.

“I’ll draw my last breath happy as a pig in shit,” Smitts said, “because a) fuck all you youngsters. You get to live after I’m gone b) you’re welcome for saving from you from a future full of breathable air and potable water, and c) fuck you, libtards.”


You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.