WASHINGTON, D.C. — A day after his historic and controversial decision to pull the United States out of the Paris Climate Accords, President Donald Trump told reporters that he had been given “highly secret, confidential, top secret” information from NASA, and that it had weighed heavily on his final decision.
“Hey folks, I just wanted to tell you all something,” Trump told reporters from Breitbart and InfoWars as he was headed out to get doughnuts and coffee, “I knew we really didn’t need to be in the accordions for one major, bigly reason — we have found a new planet to live on. And it’s tremendous, truly, truly tremendous.
The president said that less than a week before he held his Rose Garden ceremony to announce the eventual withdrawal from the accords, he was told that NASA that had found a new planet that was completely hospitable. The new planet, Trump said, is also “very reachable by our current technology.” Trump said that the news did not come directly from NASA, but instead from someone he trusts entirely to be knowledgeable about such things.
“Sarah Palin told me about the planet,” Trump said, “and just to be sure I reached out Michele Bachmann, and she confirmed that she had read the same story on World Net Daily, which we all know is one of the country’s most respected outlets. Would we have ever known about Obama’s secret transgenderism and his marriage being arranged by George Soros and the ghost of Saul Alinksy? I think not.”
Mr. Trump believes that scrapping the Paris Accords is good for America because it will allow the country to focus its resources on “getting as many good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God-fearing, pale skinned patriots” to the new planet as soon as possible.
“This new planet is so beautiful folks, and you’ll never guess the name,” Trump explained, “although if you’ve been paying attention to my Twitter account — which I guess, some people tell me is the biggest, most successful, most follower Twitter account in the history of the site…that is if you discount the 23 million illegal alien followers that Obama has…you’d know the name already. I almost spilled the beans earlier this week on accident!”
“Covfefe,” Trump proclaimed, “it’s called Planet Covfefe! I was so excited to find out about it that I nearly tweeted it out too soon, before I made the Paris Accord announcement. Thank God everyone thought I was just either bitching about Sean gets treated at press conferences or something like that. But now I can let the cat out of the bag.”
Planet Covfefe, Trump said, is “less than twelve parsecs” from Earth and he said that he and his staff estimate it would only take about three hours by train, two by car, and half a minute by “rocket ship” to get there. It’s unclear at this time, Trump said, whether there are any inhabitants on Covfefe.
“But you know my theory on aliens,” Trump said before answering himself, “fuck ’em. That’s what I say. Illegal, extraterrestrial, whatever kinda alien they are…fuck ’em. America first!”
The president paused, reflecting for a moment.
“I guess soon we’ll be saying ‘Covfefe First,’ though,” Trump mused.
A spokesperson for NASA, when reached for comment, laughed hysterically for twenty minutes, told us, “That orange shit nipple is cray,” and then hung up. This story is developing.
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.