Trump Pardons Lee Harvey Oswald

NARANJO CHINGADOR, CALIFORNIA — President Donald Trump has not been ashamed to use his presidential pardon powers, and it doesn’t look like that will change any time soon. Mr. Trump has already pardoned controversial political conservatives like former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio and walking, talking fecal matter in a bag Dinesh D’Souza, and this week he pardoned eleven more people, several of whom were convicted of charges stemming from and related to corruption of public officials. This, despite the fact that he largely defended his actions in the Ukraine scandal by claiming he was just rooting out corruption, as he is nearly obsessed with being anti-corruption.

Among those pardoned yesterday was a former governor of Illinois who was convicted of attempting to sell former President Barack Obama’s old U.S. Senate seat for personal gain. Today, however, Trump announced what might perhaps his most shocking and surprising pardon to date. 

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“Yeah, we’re pardoning Lee Harvey Oswald. It turns out he wasn’t very corrupt, and as you know I mostly care about draining the corrupt swamp,” Trump announced. “Besides, is assassinating a Democrat really a crime? I’m not really sure. I have my personal attorney general looking into the matter though, and he told me that if I can keep from tweeting about it, he might have some very good news for me on that subject soon. So you’ll all just have to tune in and see.”

Oswald, as most Americans learn at some point in school, was the gunman who assassinated President John F. Kennedy using a rifle from a book repository in Dallas, Texas. On November 22nd, 1963, Oswald used a window on an upper floor of the building and fired three times at Kennedy’s motorcade, striking him twice. The incident was captured forever on film shot by a bystander who was in Dealey Plaza at the time. Despite several conspiracy theories, no other gunman has ever been identified.

Lee Harvey Oswald was formally arraigned on the same day he shot Kennedy. At the time, Oswald claimed to be a “patsy,” insinuating that he murdered Kennedy on someone else’s orders. However, before he could tell his story in court, a Dallas nightclub owner by the name of Jack Ruby killed Oswald. It’s unclear how Trump’s pardon of Oswald will work legally, considering he was never formally convicted. Trump attempted to address that question when reporters caught up with him as he toured a facility making sections of his promised southern border all on a visit to California.

“First of all, I have to say that as much as I hate California, and I truly hate it, because as the president I’m allowed and even encouraged to hate states that are in the very union I allegedly serve,” Trump told reporters, “this facility is bigly good. But as to your question, I don’t think it matters if Oswald was convicted or not. If I say he’s pardoned, he’s pardoned. If the president does it, it’s cool, legal, and correct. Them’s the rules, suckers!”

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Perineum) told reporters that he thinks this is a “wonderfully bold and decisive move” for Trump to make. Graham hailed it as “political courage the likes of which [he has] never seen before.” Graham, too, echoed Trump’s sentiments about Oswald’s “only crime was killing a Democrat.”

“And, I’m sorry, but after seeing how the Democrats treated poor, picked on, rapey Justice Kavanaugh and tried to harass this president with accountability and constitutional checks and balances,” Graham insisted, “I’m not sure killing Democrats should be a crime we charge people with anymore. I tried to warn y’all that you were playing with fire. Well, Flamin’ Lindsey Graham is about to burn your asses to a crisp! Hail Trump! Hail victory! Hail my mama’s apple pie!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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