Trump Says Osoff Losing Means He’s No Longer Under Criminal Investigation

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Temporary President Donald Trump took to Twitter today to gloat over the fact that Karen Handel defeated Jack Osoff in a highly-anticipated special congressional election. Despite the district not having been held by a Democrat in decades, and despite the final vote counts meaning a much smaller margin of victory for the Republican Handel than has been seen in quite some time, Trump pounded the Democrats in the rich tradition of presidents openly campaigning, trolling, and accosting political opponents in a small, relatively safe district for his party.

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After his tweets were sent, Mr. Trump was stopped while leaving the White House to make his morning doughnut, hamburger, pizza, fried chicken, pork rind, Taco Bell, biscuits and gravy, bacon wrapped hot dog, nacho, deep fried lard, ice cream sundae, and coffee run. Witnesses in the press pool say that Trump’s demeanor was noticeably upbeat and jovial. One reporter asked the president why he seemed so happy.

“Because, the Republicans just kicked the Democrats’ asses,” Trump said, “and as much as I want to be everyone’s president, I really am most interested in being president for those who voted for me.”

Trump was pushed on whether he thought winning a reliable seat by such a thin margin in a deep red state really means much, in the grand scheme of things. Trump laughed uproariously. Then he threw the reporter off the White House grounds for “asking a fake news gotcha question,” and answered once the reporter was gone.

“Fuck that guy, huh,” Trump started, “anyway, of course it matters, bigly. Because it’s a rule, okay, it’s a rule in the Constipation or whatever, that once you win enough special elections to fill seats vacated by people you put in your cabinet, any and all criminal investigations into you go away.”

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The press pool — even the reporters from Breitbart, InfoWars, and World Net Daily — all seemed rather stunned, sources say.

“Your silence, of course, means you’re quite familiar with what I’m talking about,” Trump said, “but just so we’re clear. My lawyers tell me that there’s a special part in the U.S. Constellation that says if a sitting president is under criminal investigation, that investigation immediately goes away if his party wins five special elections. It’s really quite remarkable that our flounders were so smart to think of that — for me — ahead of time, isn’t it folks?”

Reached for comment, Special Counsel Robert Mueller, who is leading the investigation into Russian hacking of U.S. elections, any possible collusion with the Trump campaign, and Trump himself for obstruction of justice, laughed his ass off for thirty minutes before giving his comment.

“Uh, no,” Mueller said, “that’s not how it works. That’s not how it’s ever going to work.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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