Trump Orders Kellyanne Conway to Move White House Microwaves to Secret Gas Chamber Below Bowling Green, Kentucky

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald Trump issued an order to one of his top advisers, directing her to have all the microwaves in the White House moved to a secret location in Kentucky. Mr. Trump told various members of the right-wing media sphere that he had told Kellyanne Conway to move the microwaves to a secret gas chamber built below the city of Bowling Green. Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary, is the one who told Trump about the existence of the chamber.

“Apparently this gas chamber was built to execute people convicted of federal crimes that carry the death penalty,” Trump said, “and Sean knows all about gas chambers, being the world’s foremost leading scholar on gassing, and who’s done it to whom. I told Kellyanne that chamber sounded like the perfect place to take the microwaves Obama had bugged for safe keeping.”

The microwaves will be stored in the gas chamber until such time as the new, anti-surveillance equipment that Trump ordered for the White House is installed.

“It’s the best commercial grade tinfoil I could find,” Trump said, beaming, “and I believe it should not only keep Obama from spying  on us, but it should also keep us safe from various chemtrails and fluoride in the water. Steve Bannon told me this, and I have no reason to not believe him.”

President Trump believes that storing the microwaves underground and in a chamber similar to the gas chamber in Bowling Green is the only way to keep the former Obama administration from “snooping” on him, he told Ms. Conway.

“I gotta keep that guy outta here,” Trump says, “because I just know he’s spying on me. The other day, I woke up, went downstairs, and a bunch of people were just looking at me, expectantly. I’m pretty sure Obama put them there.”

Conway reminded Trump he’s the president and those people were put there by him; they are his staff.

“You’re the president, sir,” Conway said, “and you put those people there. They are your staff. Remember?”

Trump thought for a second.

“Nope, sure don’t, they must be spies, Obama’s personal Kenyan Sharia Voodoo Spies,” Trump insisted.

Conway could see, aides would later tell reporters under condition of anonymity, that she was not going to convince her boss of anything. She hastily rounded up a few interns and them in turn round up the microwaves. She had them load all the microwaves into Marine One, which then flew to Bowling Green under Air Force guard.

Later, over chocolate cake in bed, sources say Trump would tell his daughter he “saved the country from another Obama conspiracy.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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