Trump Orders First Amendment Revised To Protect “Freedom Of The Friendly Press”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a wild press conference this week, Sub-President Donald Trump seemed to go off the rails a bit, raising serious questions as to what kind of toll the job of sub-president is taking on him. During the lengthy presser, Sub-President Trump seemed to imply a black reporter could setup a meeting between Trump and the Congressional Black Caucus based solely on her skin tone, pivoted away from and shamed a reporter who asked a question about the rise of antisemitism in the country since his election, and rather peculiarly referred to whether reporters asking questions were “friendly” to him or not.

Many critics after the press conference laid into Trump, and this morning he issued a new executive order related to some of the criticism.

“Ah yes, this order which I have totally read and understand fully,” Trump said as Co-President Steve Bannon handed him the order, “will immediately amend the First Amendment…amend an amendment. I like that. Whoever came up with that idea deserves a raise. I’ll give them a raise later. It’s what I do. I care. You know this.”

After fifteen minutes of telling the people in the room how much he cares, that he’s the only one who really does care, and that no one cares quite like he does, Trump got back to the business of signing the order.

“So this order will instruct the people who maintain the real, actual Constitution to fix the First Amendment,” Trump continued, “so that it guarantees not just a free and fair press, but a friendly one. I need to have a friendly press. I want to have it protect the Freedom of the Friendly Press only. Presidents deserve a friendly press. So, I’m demanding it. Look at how much the press loved and adored Obama, especially Fox News. They never had anything but kind words, and they never, ever pushed blatantly false conspiracy theories or overplayed the significance of one issue or another during that guy’s deal. So why come not me get same treatment? Sad.”

Mr. Trump insisted that he’s “strong AF” and has “stamina for days.” He also said that as a winner, it is “literally impossible to dampen [his] spirits completely.” However, he said that in the weeks since assuming power, he’s become “sadder and sadder” at how the media portrays him.

“Why do they keep reporting my words and actions accurately and verbatim,” Trump asked, “aren’t I entitled to some state sponsored media love? Why come my buddy Kim Jong in Korea has a more friendly press than I have. Aren’t we better than Korea? Don’t we deserve to have a similarly friendly press as the Koreans have? I think so, and if you don’t agree you’re probably a commie, a libtard, or a commie libtard.”

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) told reporters that “ordinarily” he’d be “very much against this kind of blatant overreach and attempt to quell dissent.” But, given that his party hasn’t held the White House in almost a decade, his view is slightly altered.

“Meh, fuck it,” Ryan said, “I’m never going to get to gut and privatize the social safety net without a willing, complicit puppet in the Oval Office. So, um, what are principles? I have alternative principles now.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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