WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump signed an executive order directing his administration to form a new, government sponsored search engine. The order comes after the commander in chief has spent weeks and months berating social media companies and tweeting his displeasure about Google search results for “Trump news” being biased against him.
There are some among the conservative pundit and politico class that believe companies like Facebook, Twitter, and Google actively try to suppress conservative viewpoints. Rumor has it that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has volunteered to host a bipartisan seminar so that she can teach members of congress what an algorithm is, and how it works. That, however, is not enough for President Trump, who explained his new executive order in the Oval Office this morning.
“Oh this is a really bigly one folks, gonna be a real game changer,” Trump said as he slid his closed fist, holding an orange crayon, over the order. “This one will officially order my government to create a new search engine called Tru-gle, which will only give you news that we want you to have about what we’re doing.”
Last year, in a pair of now-deleted tweets, Trump lashed out at Google because he believes their search results display “only the viewing/reporting of Fake New Media.” It’s assumed he meant “News Media” and was busy simultaneously wiping his anus and missed the “s.”
Assailing the press has become a routine and essentially daily activity for President Trump. Cries of “fake news” have been picked up and echoed by third world dictators and despots as well. Trump made sure to explain that his new search engine will rank stories based on one criteria, but that criteria isn’t necessarily the veracity of the story.
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“The TRU stands for Trump, not truth,” Trump said. “Everything I put my name on is a wild success. Trump Steaks. Trump Water. Trump’s Taj Mahal. All enormous, bigly successes, as our new search engine will teach when you search for ‘All the things Donald Trump is absolutely perfect at.'”
Mr. Trump says he came up with the idea for Tru-gle after speaking with some other world leaders he “just happen[s] to know.”
“Vlad told me all the best world leaders have their very own special news outlets,” Trump said. “Because the one thing you can never trust is the a news outlet telling you something unflattering or, worse yet, unflattering and true, about your most respected and loved leader, and I am both those things. I AM LOVED AND I AM RESPECTED BY EVERYONE!”
Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said he was initially concerned about the formation of a brand new government agency, especially one that “seems like a ministry of propaganda or whatever.”
“Well, as a Republican I sure do love to go on and on about smaller government, but as a Republican in the Trump era, I also understand the importance of doing whatever he says because I have literally no courage,” Ryan told reporters. “Plus, I’m quitting this bitch in a few weeks. You call can sort this bullshit out yourselves. I’m gonna work out, hardcore style, bros and lady bros.”
Executives at Fox News have been reassured the president still loves their network most and will direct Tru-gle engineers to prioritize Fox News above all other news organizations.
This story is developing.
A version of this story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.