Trump Signs Executive Order Forbidding Anyone From Saying “Conflicts Of Interest” In His Presence

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Co-President Donald Trump took his special crayon designated for executive orders, and set it to work on a new directive. This time, the executive order signed by Trump makes the entire concept of a conflict of interest illegal. That is not to say that it makes conflicts of interest illegal, rather, the executive order makes it illegal to say “conflicts of interest” in his presence, for the duration of his lifetime left on Earth.

“A lot of people have been haranguing me about these fuckin’ conflict of interest things,” Trump said, “and I decided it was time to finally do something about it.”

Mr. Trump said he had been mulling this idea for some time, and then once he got permission from both Co-President Steve Bannon and Presidential Supervisor Vladimir Putin, he knew it was time to implement it, and had the order drafted. Later, a reporter from The Dallas Morning Observer would ask Trump if this order meant that he’d be resolving his conflicts of interest.

“No, I will not be resolving them,” Trump shot back, “What are you someone from the FAKE NEWS with that question? Get the fuck outta here with that. No, really. Get out. You’re hereby banned from ever being in my presence again, presidential decree. Know what? Know what? Reince, hand me that fuckin’ paper right there, I’m gonna impromptu an executive order that officially labels this reporter an enemy of the people and, more importantly, a poopy head.”

Chief of Staff Reince Priebus got a Post-It note out of his pocket. He handed it to Trump, who quickly scrawled, “Fuck you” on it, and handed it to the reporter from the Dallas newspaper. Trump then blew a raspberry with his tongue, flipped the reporter his middle finger, and continued to talk to reporters about the conflict of interest order.

“By signing this order, I am officially striking the phrase ‘conflict of interest’ from all American dictionaries, encyclopedias, and codes of law. From this point forward, it’s literally illegal to say the words together, especially in my presence.”

“There. Done. No more conflicts of interest. I don’t know why the FAKE NEWS media made such a big deal out of how hard it was gonna be.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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