Trump Thinks Glowing Saudi Orb Is Sentient Being and Asks It to Be President Instead

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA — Images of President Donald Trump placing his hands on a large, glowing orb while Saudi Arabia’s king and the Egyptian president joined him are set social media ablaze. Officially, the orb was said to have activated the Saudis’ anti-terrorism data center, but the White House reported that Mr. Trump believed he was communicating with a life form that had a “higher level of intelligence and insight” than he did, and reportedly he asked the orb if it wanted to “take over the presidenting” from him.

“Oh hello there,” Trump was overheard saying to the orb, “are you one of those talking robots from the Star Trek movies? What’s their name…C-3PPO I think?”

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer leaned in and whispered to the president.

“Oh, just one P in the name,” Trump confirmed, “oh well, let’s change that. You know how much I love PP. And besides, he’s a golden droid so it really does make sense, don’t you think? Of course you do. Of course you do Sean. You think everything I say is a good idea, don’t you Sean?”

Spicer nervously shook his head. He knelt on one knee and kissed Trump’s outstretched hand. Spicer stood up, never making direct eye contact with his boss.

“Yes, yes sir,” Spicer said sheepishly but obediently, “you are my master, and I am here to do your orange, racist bidding.”

The temporary president’s attention returned to the glowing orb in the center of the room.

“Look, glowing orb that’s obviously a higher life form,” Trump said, “I was wondering if you wanted to, maybe take over the presidenting from me? I promise the job isn’t too hard — IT IS NOT ABOUT THE JOB BEING TOO HARD FOR ME! — it’s just that, you know, back home they might try to impeach and remove the president for obstructing justice over that whole firing the FBI director to end the investigation he was heading into my campaign, you know how it goes.”

Trump stammered just a bit, but continued.

“So anyway, I was thinking that if I quit, but put a much higher evolved and intelligent life form in my place,” Trump continued, “that maybe they’d let me off with a warning or something. They might even forget how unqualified I look for this job — WHICH I AM NOT! I AM VERY QUALIFIED FOR THIS, AND EVERY OTHER JOB. MY MOMMY SAID I WAS SO THERE. Anyway, I’m just curious if you’d be interested in being president.”

The president stood in front of the orb for several minutes waiting for a reply. Finally, a the Saudi king told him that the orb was not programmed with any artificial intelligence algorithms. The king suggested Trump find someone else to replace him. Trump demurred.

“That orb may not have any artificial intelligence, but I don’t have any actual intelligence, so it would be a really easy transition,” Trump persisted.

After several more moments of gentle nudging, the president finally understood the Saudi king.

“Okay, I gotcha,” Trump said, “you want to keep your glowing robot ball for yourself. Fair enough. Luckily for me there are millions of inanimate objects at my intelligence level or higher that can replace me. Oh, look, like this.”

Trump picked up a discarded orange peel.

“Perfect color,” Trump said, “and it’s completely empty and therefore devoid of any real purpose other than as compost.”

Trump paused, thinking.

“This’ll do,” Trump declared, “this’ll do just fine.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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