Trump: “If You Only Count the Votes from Red States, I Won Easily”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It appears that President Donald Trump is still not quite ready to accept the reality that he will be a one-term president, and it’s unclear at this time when he will do so. Despite filing several lawsuits throughout the country, experts say the numbers of disputed ballots just would not allow for a pathway to a Trump victory, even if courts tossed every single one of those votes. Regardless of the inescapable fact that he lost a hard-fought, close battle for reelection, Trump seems unprepared to address that fact any time soon.

“All I’m saying is that the counting process has been unfair to me. That’s all,” Trump said with a sigh and a shrug. “First of off, I had no idea about this notion of counting votes just because they’re cast. That seems unfair, and frankly a little socialist to me. Second of off, if you only count the votes from red states, I won easily.”

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To that end, Trump announced he was asking his campaign’s lawyers to file immediate injunctions, demanding that only red state voters’ ballots be counted in the official tallies, which will be certified as the official election results.

“I have instructed my legal staff that they are to immediately file emergency paperwork in all fifty states,” Trump howled. “We’ll get one of my people sent to all of them, and then we’ll go one by one, vote by vote, and decide whether that vote counts. That obviously means we are going to need to get everyone’s age, date of birth, and measurements, so I know who had big cans and voted for me, and who didn’t.”

While President Trump keeps falsely tweeting that he actually won in several states he has not in fact won, the simple truth remains that as the ballots are counted in Arizona, Pennsylvania, and Georgia, it becomes apparent that Trump never actually held the lead. What happened, it would appear, is that millions more people voted for Joe Biden, but had to wait patiently for their votes to be counted since they were sent via mail. At any rate, Trump seems willing to concede that he lost in blue states, but not that blue states should count toward selecting the president.

“Hey, I’m a constipational originalist, okay? It means I only want the Constal-toochin or whatever it’s called to work like it did when it was written like fifty years ago or whatever,” Trump explained. “And guess what? When it was written, there weren’t nearly as many states, and a ton of them that voted for Sleepy PoPeepy! So, I say you throw them out and go with the glorious red states ONLY.”

Farting, Trump gave one more attempt at an explanation.

“I already didn’t really act like I was president to the states that didn’t vote for me anyway,” Trump said, “so why should we count votes from states I never pretended to be president of?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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