WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the President of the United States reached out to the President of Manhattan to offer sympathy, condolences, and assistance in the wake of the domestic terror act in New York City that left eight dead and several more injured.

“The president knew what he had to do as soon as he woke up this morning and finished his early round of tweet tantrums,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters, “and that was to reach out to Manhattan’s president and offer any assistance necessary. The U.S. is the biggest, richest country in America, and it’s only right that when one of our neighbors needs help, we offer them that help with no strings attached, even if they are libtarded and elect libtards all the time, like you, the asshole fuckfaces of the press. JEEEZ JUST KIDDING GUYS. Tough room today, for some reason.”

Huckabee Sanders said that it wasn’t just the presidents of the United States and Manhattan on the call, it was a conference call of several “top world leaders.”

“He was speaking to the President of the U.S. Virgin Islands, the President of Puerto Rico, the President of Utah, the President of the Florida Keys, and the President of Trump Tower,” Huckabee said, “and not to toot his horn for him, but the general consensus from everyone on the call was that President Trump was decisive, showed yooge leadership, and has huge hands and a rather sizable penis.”

There was a brief moment of confusion and anger in President Trump during the call, however, according to Ms. Huckabee.

“When the President of American Samoa farted a really loud, audible fart that could be heard on the call by everyone, he really offended President Trump,” Huckabee said, “and we all know that the president wants to always be the center attention in a room, and that’s why he’s the only one allowed to pass gas in his presence. But once we get on the same page with the American Samoa president, the call continued without incident.”

The President of Manhattan issued a short statement following the conference call with President Trump.

“The President of the United States is not only handsome, but a true genius,” the Manhattan president’s statement reads, “and quite frankly any American citizen who doesn’t do exactly what he says is a really big loser. Total loser. In fact, if I could, I would personally blow him. Actually, I might just try that now. Hang on a second.”

In an unrelated story, President Trump will be confined to his bed and wearing a neck brace for the next three weeks.

Some more satire to peruse:

John Kelly Says World War II Preventable If Allies Compromised More With Hitler