WASHINGTON, D.C. — Disgraced pudding salesman Bill Cosby has been found guilty on all three counts of sexual assault facing him stemming from a sexual assault that took place on a woman who lived near him almost a decade and a half ago.
80-year-old Cosby faces a maximum sentence of ten years per charge. It is unclear how long or stiff his sentence will be. In a truly unforeseen twist, one very famous man has already offered to intercede and give Cosby some hope in avoiding a long jail sentence.
“Maybe I should, uh, you know, give the court in Pennsylvania a call and see if I can work my skill as the best negotiator — a lot of people call me the best anyway, I’m way too humble to say it out loud, so I’m just repeating what these many people have told me. Where was I? Oh right, my perfect brain and its negotiation skills,” President Donald Trump told reporters in the Oval Office today.
Trump pressed his Diet Coke button on the Resolute Desk, and a staff member brought him a fresh one. Clapping twice and then clucking three times, within another matter of moments there was a bucket of KFC on the desk well. Reaching into his desk, Trump removed a stack of presidential stationery, which he used in place of napkins.
“As you know, I am the best at making deals, which you will all see when I negotiate the bestest plea deal ever with Bob Mueller,” Trump said, belching mid-statement. “But I’d be very pleased to help Bill broker a deal with the judge.”
Cosby’s conviction comes after years of rumors and speculation broke open into published news accounts from dozens of women who started sharing and corroborating — publicly — their accusations that seemed to form a pattern throughout his career, back in 2015. Though that’s when the stories started to come flooding out, the accusations themselves dated back a half century or more. Women told stories of Cosby drugging and sexually assaulting them in dressing rooms during otherwise professional encounters in show business.
Cosby was also accused on many occasions of trying to destroy women’s integrity or careers if they spoke out against him. The guilty verdict only covers one woman’s accusations, but it is seen as a larger condemnation of his behavior over the last several decades.
“I think Bill could maybe do a work release program with the White House,” Trump suggested. “Since we got rid of Rob Porter, we certainly have an opening for a guy with those particular, shall we say, sensitivities to women.”
President Trump speculated that Cosby might even become “extremely tight” with him, for on reason in particular.
“I bet he’s the kinda guy who’s known around the office as someone who can grab ’em by the pussy every and then too,” Trump said. “I mean, he knows like I do what fame lets’s you get away with. I’m probably way more famouser than him, but I’m sure he got some of the trappings of fame I did, just a very small fraction is all. He’ll fit right in.”
The president indicated he was inclined to pardon Cosby altogether because he “likes the cut of his rapey jib” but was advised that he couldn’t by White House counsel.
“Apparently some libtarded cuck back in Washington times or whatever made it so I can’t pardon him on state charges,” Trump said making a male masturbatory gesture with his diminutive orange right hand, “but I can give him a chance at a new life with a White House work release program. It’d be absolute dishonor to.”
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