Trump: ‘I Didn’t Obstruct Justice, I Just Tried to Impede an Investigation!’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald Trump lashed out the media, Democrats, and Special Counsel Robert Mueller and he explained that he knows “deep, deep down” that he didn’t commit obstruction of justice.

“There is no friggin’ way I committed any obstruction of justice,” Trump tweeted, “that’s just FAKE NEWS lies.”

Mr. Trump explained in a series of tweets that it was “impossible” for him to have obstructed justice because he hadn’t even heard of that term up until the point that he became president. Now, two years into Mueller’s investigation, when it appears that Congressional Democrats are also going to start pursuing an investigation into whether Trump committed obstruction of justice during Mueller’s probe of the 2016 presidential election.

“I didn’t obstruct any justice,” Trump reiterated, “that’s just not my style. And even if it was, which it might be, who knows, I had never even heard of that phrase until that jerk ass Mueller came around getting all high and mighty on me. I mean, who appointed him special prosecutor?”

The president tried to spell out in very simple terms exactly what he thought he had done, instead of obstructing justice.

“I didn’t obstruct justice,” Trump tweeted, “I just tried to impede an investigation into one of my comrades. The FAKE NEWS needs to get over this!”
Trump tried to plead ignorance, as well.

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“How could I do something without knowing what it is,” Trump asked, adding, “That doesn’t make sense. It’s like saying it’s possible for me to break the speed limit when I don’t know what it is on that particular stretch of highway.”

The president explained that even if Americans “don’t buy the ignorance of the law thing,” there are plenty of other compelling reasons to see he’s innocent.

“Folks, the bottom line that the mainstream FAKE NEWS MEDIA won’t tell you,” Trump tweeted, “is that I didn’t obstruct justice, period. My lawyers tell me that, and I pay them good money to tell me things I want to know.”

Neither Special Counselor Mueller nor the Department of Justice could not be reached for comment.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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