Trump: ‘I Didn’t Obstruct Justice, I Just Tried to Impede an Investigation!’

Trump explains his actions and conversations with former FBI Director James Comey in an attempt to paint a different narrative than obstruction of justice.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just a day after his 71st birthday that saw him getting a rather dubious gift, temporary President Donald Trump lashed out the media, Democrats, and Special Counsel Robert Mueller on Twitter, and he explained that he knows “deep, deep down” that he didn’t commit obstruction of justice.

“There is no friggin’ way I committed any obstruction of justice,” Trump tweeted, “that’s just FAKE NEWS lies.”

RELATED: Trump Orders Spicer to Remove James Comey from White House Microwave’s Speed Dial

Mr. Trump explained in a series of tweets that it was “impossible” for him to have obstructed justice because he hadn’t even heard of that term up until this point.

“I didn’t obstruct any justice,” Trump reiterated, “that’s just not my style. And even if it was, which it might be, who knows, I had never even heard of that phrase until that jerk ass Mueller came around getting all high and mighty on me. I mean, who appointed him special prosecutor?”

The president tried to spell out in very simple terms exactly what he thought he had done, instead of obstructing justice.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

“I didn’t obstruct justice,” Trump tweeted, “I just tried to impede an investigation into one of my comrades. The FAKE NEWS needs to get over this!”

Trump tried to plead ignorance, as well.

“How could I do something without knowing what it is,” Trump asked, adding, “That doesn’t make sense. It’s like saying it’s possible for me to break the speed limit when I don’t know what it is on that particular stretch of highway.”

The president explained that even if Americans “don’t buy the ignorance of the law thing,” there are plenty of other compelling reasons to see he’s innocent.

RELATED: Vladimir Putin Sent Kislyak With Shortlist of James Comey’s Replacement for President Trump

“Folks, the bottom line that the mainstream FAKE NEWS MEDIA won’t tell you,” Trump tweeted, “is that I didn’t obstruct justice, period. My lawyers tell me that, and I pay them good money to tell me things I want to know.”

Neither Special Counselor Mueller nor the Department of Justice could not be reached for comment. President Trump’s approval ratings are now at historically low levels.

Follow us on Twitter @PolitiGarbage.

More from James Schlarmann

Putin Wants to Compare Tapes With Omarosa

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — There is at least one person who runs the...
Read More