WASHINGTON, D.C. — 2020 promises to be an important and momentous year for President Donald J. Trump, no matter how one looks at it.
This year, President Trump will almost assuredly face an impeachment trial in the Senate, though House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has yet to submit his two articles of impeachment to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, so the timeline on the trial is still quite in flux. Regardless of how that plays out, Trump’s 2020 will likely still include a second run for president. He’d be the first and only man to ever run for the highest office while under impeachment, but today he turned his important attention to another, more personal issue — his New Year’s Resolutions — or in his case — a singular resolution.
“Like all winners,” Trump said in the Oval Office this morning, “I know that keeping things short, sweet, and concise is the only way to win. Also, as a winner, I know that sophomoric insults, xenophobic tirades, and tantrums about how law enforcement works are very presidentish. And with that in mind, I have here a very simple list of resolutions for myself in the new year. Very short, this list. So short, even a Republican could memorize it.”
Unfolding the list, Trump turned it around and showed the reporters gathered there that it contained just one resolution. It was written in bright orange crayon in very large letters. Trump said that “crayons are for winners because you can use any number of a yooge assortment of colors” and he said “when you’re making resolutions, you gotta make the ones you can accomplish, even if it means you gotta have a less-yooge list of resolutions.”
“This year, I plan to accomplish one, single goal,” Mr. Trump said with satisfaction in his voice.
A reporter asked if Trump’s single resolution was to win the presidential election in November, and shrugged his shoulders.
“What? No,” the president said emphatically. “What kind of fake news 12 million Angry Democrat question is that? My resolution is to fuck your mother. See, look?”
Trump passed the paper around so every reporter could verify that on top of the list, entitled “Donny’s Yoogest Year,” was a big numeral “1” and next to it was written very simply, “Fucking your mom.” Reporters asked Trump if there was one person’s mom in particular that the resolution applied to, and Trump nodded.
“Well,frankly I think it should apply to everyone because as president it’s in the Constal-too-shin that I get to bang whoever I want whenever I want,” Trump said. “I think it was Johnny Jefferson, my favorite Founding Father, that put that part in. But this list in particular I plan to personally hand deliver to Jared’s children.”
On the Hill, Republicans remained in lockstep support of the president, and his single resolution for the year. Sen. Lindsey Graham hailed the move as “unprecedented leadership,” saying that “all moms deserve a good fucking.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell implied that the resolution was grounds for immediate dismissal of both articles of impeachment due its “sheer brilliance and enormous foresight.” Congressman Devin Nunes, while saying he supports the resolution, also expressed some mild regret about it.
“Over the last few years, few people have gotten to be so intimate with the president as I have,” Nunes explained. “President Trump has often referred to me as an Almost-Vanka, which anyone close to him knows is the highest and horniest compliment he knows how to give anyone. I worry that if the president fucks your mom, it’ll leave me old in the cold, and God knows I’m gonna need one of those presidential pardon things when it’s all said in done, which means I need to keep letting him defile and debase me both metaphorically and quite literally.”
The White House expects to announce the exact timing of Trump fucking your mom at some point in the coming weeks.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.