The Donald’s Campaign Unveils New MAGA Hoods

WASHINGTON, D.C.  — In 2015, when Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the presidential nomination of the Republican Party, his campaign unveiled one of its most iconic pieces of political propaganda: simple ball caps emblazoned with the phrase “Make America Great Again.”

Many on the Hill saw the hats as a rather blatant homage to Ronald Reagan, and likely an attempt to play on the same sentiments that Reagan did in his 1980 campaign — that the U.S. is in great danger but its best days can lay ahead of it still, and they have become synonymous with his campaign. As they gear up for a re-election bid, the Trump Campaigned revealed a new, updated design for the Trump hats, and they will go on sale at the campaign’s website for a donation of at least $50 starting this week.

More: Whiny Cunt Won’t Stop Complaining About Social Media on Social Media

Featuring a pointed crown, which the Trump website says is built for both “aerodynamic and fashion purposes,” the new, all-white satin hats will also feature a specially-designed hood that allows the wearer to see, but also blocks most of their face. “If you’re wearing this new Trump hat in a snow storm,” Rod Rodgers of the Trump campaign told reporters, “you’re going to be really thankful for the hood.”

“I am really happy with how the new hats turned out,” Trump told reporters at a press conference Sunday morning, “they are really yooge improvements from the last design. This design sticks out more, you know? It pretty much says to the world, ‘Hey, loser, I’m supporting Donald Trump for presidentification,’ and it dares losers to tell you why they aren’t.” Trump called the new hats “brilliant, like everything that has the Trump name attached to it” and said he is “looking forward to a sea of white, pointed, hooded Trump hats” greeting him at his next rally. “It’ll be really quite special,” Trump said.

Mr. Trump also told reporters about a new visual prop he and his staff have begun using at campaign rallies held at night. “What we do is, we get a giant T, you know, for Trump,” the billionaire mogul told reporters, “but we make it a lower-case T because I’m showing how friggin’ humble I am — no one is more humble than I am because I am the fuggin’ best at being humble — and then we light that T on fire,” Trump said.

The reality-TV star also told reporters that the hooded Trump hats will “send the right message to the folks out there who are tired of the silent invasion of illegals.” Trump said that the hats will “hearken back to a time when patriotic Americans could decry dirty, raping immigrants proudly, without the liberal media jumping down their throats.” Mr. Trump, though, denied that he was playing into any kind of innate American racism or distrust of immigrants.

“I’m just making sure that racists, xenophobes and bigots know they have a place they can feel safe to say their racist, xenophobic and bigoted thoughts,” Trump said, “and if that means I’m pandering to them for votes, then I don’t know what to say, other than ‘Vote for Trump if you hate illegal immigrants,’ of course.”

“You simply have not lived until you have taken the stage on a dark night with a massive flaming T behind you, and you look out and see a throng of hooded sycophants chanting your name,” Trump told the press. “It’s really quite awe inspiring, and I hope that everyone understands and appreciates not just me, but what my campaign is and what it represents when they go to the ballot boxes next year. I’m the winner everyone wants to win, and I will win as long as you loser-ass losers remember that. God Bless Trump!”

More: Twitter to Start Putting “Emotionally Fragile Idiot” Label on Trump Tweets

Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This