Trump Announces New Business Venture: Whine Of The Day Club

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — At an early morning press conference, Republican Presidential nominee and alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump announced a new business venture he was starting. Trump said the new business will begin selling its subscription services immediately, though he admitted he’d “have more time on [his] hands” after the election.

“It’s called the Trump Whine of the Day Club,” Mr. Trump told reporters, his face beaming with pride, “and it’ll revolutionize subscription box services.” Trump said that he modeled his Whine of the Day club after services like Blue Apron or Loot Crate that provide customers with regular shipments of goods or services and he says his will be “the bestest of the bestest, like, ever.”

Trump said the logistics of his subscription service are very simple. Once a day, a drone will deliver a fresh, new whine that Trump has come up with for that day. It could be him complaining about elections being rigged against him even though polls have consistently shown that outside his base he is despised. Or the whine of the day could be about biased news coverage while he’s on Fox News, a channel that itself boasts about its high ratings, making it mainstream. Trump said the “whiny possibilities are endless.”

“You’d think being born with a silver douche in my hands that I’d have very little complain about,” Trump said, “and when you consider that I got my start by a one million dollar loan from my daddy for a million bucks and he had to consistently bail me out of my bad business decisions, that’s a pretty good assumption to make. If you’re a loser. But real winners know that super-rich trust fund fascists are the only ones really qualified to complain about stuff because we say so and have the money to shut you up if you say otherwise.”

Mr. Trump said that at first, most of his daily whines will pertain to the election. His opponent and the media will be central topics for the whines. But, he said, there will be a time in the not-too-distant future where that will change.

“I’d say right around, oh, November 9th,” Trump said, “it won’t really make much sense for me to whine about polls and stuff.”

Trump did reserve the right to whine about the election in perpetuity, however, upon further reflection.

“Though, I gotta say folks,” Trump admitted, “I will probably spend the rest of my time left on this planet trying to convince people the election was stolen from me. You can count on me bringing it up in every election. I will keep fomenting outrage and misplaced distrust of our elections because, let’s face it, I’m used to getting whatever I want, whenever I want. That’s why I believe in grabbing things by their pussies if they aren’t just freely given to you, you see.”

The Trump Whine of the Day Club will begin business operations on November 1st, 2016 and is slated to be in chapter 11 bankruptcy proceedings by November 11th, 2016. The Clinton campaign declined to comment on this story, saying they prefer to “let the American people hear Donald’s own words out of his own mouth as much as humanly possible.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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