WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is truly and utterly confounded by what he calls “negative” press coverage of his administration. He calls the media the “enemy of the people” and regularly refers to them as “fake news” if a media outlet publishes stories that are critical of him.
This morning, in the Oval Office, Trump hosted a D.C. area orphanage and the convent of nuns that run it, and he took the time to address what he called the “scourge of America” and intimated he may take drastic steps to curtail it.
“Why do you guys insist on covering the horrible stuff I say and do as if it’s horrible,” Trump demanded of the reporters in the room. “It’s like you only want to cover the stuff YOU think is bad. Well, let me tell you what, the American people are with me, jerks. Were you this negative about Richard Nixon from around 1972 to 1974?”
Just then, Trump reared back and punched a 14 year old orphan boy in the face, knocking him to the ground.
“Let me guess, you assholes will now report, ‘PRESIDENT TRUMP PUNCHED AN ORPHAN FOR NO REASON TODAY,’ right,” Trump asked rhetorically. “But I didn’t punch him for no reason. I had a reason. And that reason is — I fucking wanted to. I’m king now, bitches, suck on that til it runs dry.
Trump stuck a thumb in his chest, and then clapped his hands before shouting.
As the orphan was attempting to stand up, Trump kicked him in the crotch and kneed him in the face, knocking him back down.
“What’s an inept conman of a cartoon villain gotta do to get a fluff piece outta someone other than Maggie Haberman at The Failing New York Times? Who I gotta blow to have The Fuckface Cunted Washington Piece of Cockshit Post write a good story about me,” Trump bellowed. “It’s a conspiracy against me! You’re using my words verbatim to paint me in a bad light and I WANT YOU TO STOP RIGHT NOW OR I’M TELLING ON YOU!”
Sister Mary Margaret O’Kathelec, who runs the orphanage, stepped in front of Trump before he could spit on the orphaned boy. Trump shrugged. He lifted up the nun’s habit and spat right on her breasts. Kellyanne Conway reflexively applauded and John Kelly swallowed another Flunitrazepam, or roofie as they’re known more commonly.
Trump, sensing the shock in the room, had a thought about how he might fix the “whole fake media thing once and for all.”
“I just saw a poll — more than four in ten Republicans want me to have the power to shut down media outlets,” Trump mused. “How about I just do that, you fucking cunts? Huh? WHY ARE YOU SO NEGATIVE ABOUT ME? ARE YOU ALL BLACKS OR SOMETHING? MAYBE, OH, I DON’T KNOW, MEXICANS?!”
This story is developing.