Trump to Apply ‘Natural Instinct for Science’ and Personally Rewrite School Curriculum

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Planning to bring his “natural instinct for science” to bear, President Donald Trump announced today that he would be working with his education secretary to completely rewrite the nation’s scientific curriculum.

“It’s been said by many, many people — some of whom didn’t even have a financial reason for being nice to me — that I’m the bigly smartest person when it comes to science,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office today. “So that’s why I’m rewriting the course materials to bring our nation’s science classes more in line with MAGA.”

First to go? All of the scientific information, data, and explanations. Instead, in their place, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos and Vice President High Priest Mike Pence will personally curate their favorite Bible passages, and those will replace the current coursework.

“We’re extremely excited that we’ll not only be able to teach the controversy, we’ll be able to teach the controversy as fact,” DeVos said. “And sure, there was a twinge of doubt in my heart as I signed the order for this to happen, but then I remembered how rich and white I am, and stopped caring! It was a pre-Christmas miracle!”

Trump said he’s really looking forward to “correcting the scientific record” on a great many topics.

“It’s time for America’s children to know the truth about climate change,” Trump said. “This new generation will grow up unaffected by the Chinese hoax that was designed to make them rich and us poor, because — and I stress this even though it’s totally meaningless — of reasons.”

Trump never elucidated what those reasons might be.

“Thanks to the early lessons on eclipses, we’ll save a bunch of money on textbooks the kids can’t read anyway,” Trump said. “Then again, thanks to Betsy’s Every Child Left Behind Initiative, most of them wouldn’t be able to read even with their sight.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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