Trump Names Randy Quaid New Head of Legal Team

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sidney Powell, the rat-faced scarecrow trying to steal the U.S. election on behalf of outgoing President Donald Trump, may not be officially on the president’s legal team anymore, but a new, high-profile name was just added to the team. Actor Randy Quaid, perhaps best known for his roles as kooky, mentally unstable characters in films like National Lampoon’s Vacation and Independence Day, is now one of the high-priced legal representatives on Trump’s ever-shifting lineup of lawyers.

This week, President Trump took to retweeting Quaid after the veteran actor began defending the president publicly on his Twitter feed. Quaid accused Democrats — without any evidence whatsoever — of committing widespread and rampant election fraud. Mr. Quaid was essentially signal-boosting and amplifying the same talking points and accusations made by Trump’s legal team, including the aforementioned rat-faced scarecrow Powell. Obviously, the president must have appreciated Quaid’s public declarations of loyalty, and decided to retweet them.

“I expect Randy will go down as one of the finest legal minds in the country,” Trump said as he made the announcement, “because he’s seen a lot of episodes of Law & Order. He hasn’t acted in any of them because, you know, he’s a washed-up has-been lunatic, but he’s watched a whole hell of a lot of episodes and he thinks he’s got a pretty good idea of how the whole court things works.”

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Quaid, wearing a three-piece business suit made entirely of tinfoil, stood in front of the donut shop in front of the alleyway he pretends is his law office, and made a brief statement this morning.

“I am honored to take part in this great legalish endeavor,” Quaid said, “and I believe I will help guide this president to another four, eight, or even sixteen squintillion years in office. I have been told by the High Emperor Q that I have been chosen by Jesus Christ himself for this quest, after several other, much more talented actors were offered the job and turned it down.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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