Trump Rushed to Hospital to Remove Myeshia Johnson’s Foot from His Rectum

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  At this hour the White House is confirming that President Donald Trump is currently on an operating table, where doctors are frantically working to remove a Gold Star widow’s foot from from his rectum.

Trump administration officials say that Myeshia Johnson, the widow of Sgt. La David Johnson — one of the four U.S. soldiers killed in a recent ambush by roughly 50 ISIS operatives in Niger — managed to wedge her foot so deeply inside the president’s anus that normal efforts to remove it failed. Ms. Johnson’s foot was discovered in Trump’s sphincter during her explosive “Good Morning America” interview this morning in which she said Trump made her “cry even harder.”


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Ms. Johnson’s interview made public her recollections and impressions of the call she received from President Trump, informing her of La David’s loss of life in Niger. Quite a large political dust up has occurred over the call, because a Congressional Democrat from Florida, Rep. Frederica Wilson, was with Ms. Johnson, who put the call on speaker phone. Rep. Wilson relayed the contents of the call to the press, saying that Trump was rude, callous, and couldn’t even remember La David’s name.

The fervor over the incident reached what many thought was its zenith when White House Chief of Staff John Kelly — himself a Four Star General — took to the podium during a press briefing and attacked Rep. Wilson for politicizing the death of a U.S. soldier. Critics of Kelly have pointed out that his presence at the podium and his long soliloquy on the processing of the bodies of dead soldiers, followed by the emotional discussion of his own son’s death in combat, are in fact politicizing U.S. casualties as well. Kelly also seemingly fabricated a story about a previous interaction he had with Rep. Wilson.

On “Good Morning America,” Ms. Johnson backed up Rep. Wilson completely.

“Whatever Miss Wilson said was not fabricated. What she said was 100% correct,” the Widow Johnson told George Stephanopoulos. That would have been a stinging blow in and of itself for the president. However, Ms. Johnson didn’t stop there, and she had more to say that backed up Wilson’s account of the call, which Trump surrogates have been desperate to downplay.

“The president said that he knew what he signed up for,” Johnson told Stephanopoulos, “but it hurts anyways and I was — it made me cry because I was very angry at the tone of his voice and how he said it. He couldn’t remember my husband’s name.”

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President Trump attempted to remove Ms. Johnson’s foot from his anus himself. Initially, White House staff confirms that initially Trump thought he could simply tweet a confident refutation of Johnson’s statements. The president’s calculation was that while he would be essentially calling a Gold Star widow a liar, the payoff would be his base helping him pull her foot out of his buttocks.

However, it quickly became apparent, sources say, that no amount of tweeting, angry or otherwise, would get Ms. Johnson’s foot out of his presidential posterior. So President Trump was loaded into a car and taken to a nearby hospital, where doctors are attempting to remove it. Word is that their efforts were immediately hampered when they spent thirty minutes trying to figure out why they couldn’t see Ms. Johnson’s foot in his rectum, only to realize they’d been looking in his mouth the whole time.

This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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