Trump Demands “World’s Best FBI Director” Mug Back From James Comey

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced this morning is that Co-President Trump is demanding a special gift he sent to FBI Director James Comey be returned as soon as possible.

Shortly after being elected, Donald Trump reportedly sent FBI Director James Comey a coffee mug with the words “World’s Greatest FBI Director” written on it. Co-President Trump believed, according to sources speaking on the condition of anonymity, that Comey had played a vital role in helping the alleged billionaire win the election. Comey, just a few weeks out from November’s election, released a statement saying that the FBI was re-opening an investigation into Hillary Rodham Clinton’s use of a personal email server during her time as Secretary of State.

Soon thereafter, however, the FBI indicated that the emails they’d recovered were largely emails they’d already gone through. However, many feel Comey made an extraordinary and heretofore unprecedented move in even making any statement, and that his statement may have helped tank Clinton’s chances in November. At a House Intelligence Committee hearing, Comey made a truly historic announcement and acknowledged that the FBI is indeed investigating the Donald Trump administration and whether there was contact and coordination with the Russian government to help attack Hillary Rodham Clinton via cyber attacks.

The relationship between Comey and Trump took a permanent turn for the worse when the co-president fired Comey this week. Rumors at the time of publication are rampant that Trump was uncomfortable with the Russia probe that Comey admitted the FBI was conducting into Trump’s administration. There are conflicting reports that Comey asked for more resources for the probe just a matter of hours before he was let go.

The decision to ask for the mug back was all Trump’s, sources say. He reportedly called chief of staff Reince Priebus into the Oval Office to take a letter down, which Trump wanted sent via Pony Express to Comey.

“Dear FORMER FBI Director Fuckface,” Trump shouted at Priebus, “gimme that mug back, you mook! I thought you were my friend! It’s all bullshit, comrade! WAIT! Don’t put that in there…should be Comrade Comey.”

Trump continued to rant and Priebus continued to write, sources say.

“I gave you that mug because of your announcement in October,” Trump yelled, “because I felt like you deserved it. Frankly, any time people help me I think they’re good, and when they don’t I attack them on Twitter. But even my sweet, sweet tweets can’t make up for the pain you have caused me, Comey! GIVE ME BACK MY MUG!”

The White House did not confirm this report. No comment was given by Comey or the FBI.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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