Trump ‘Moved Bigly’ And Inspired By Michelle Obama’s Golden Globes Speech To Be A Better Man

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump left the White House on his routine morning coffee, doughnut, deep fried Twinkie, beef jerky, KFC, nacho cheese bucket run. As he was leaving and locking the door behind him, he was approached by the press pool and asked for his reaction to the Golden Globes, which were held last night. Trump gave his impressions of the awards show, in which many female presenters and award winners spoke to the “Me Too” movement and the culture of sexual harassment and abuse within not just the entertainment field, but in industries across the country.

“I thought it was mostly a lot of boring hot air from women who, frankly, I don’t know who would schlong them or grab them by the pussy,” Trump said. “But, I will say that one speech really struck a chord with me. When it was done, I was left a bit speechless, which everyone knows is not a very common thing for me at all.”

Trump described a speech “given by an urban woman” that moved him nearly to tears.

“She spoke about a new day coming, and I have to admit I was moved bigly by her words,” Trump said. “Her speech was so powerful, so moving, that it made me reflect on my own lifestyle and choices. It made me confront who I am, and the words I’ve used, the actions I’ve taken around and about women in general.”

The president said that watching the speech “put everything into a much betterer light” and it made him realize he had to make some changes.

“When I saw that speech, I knew. I knew I had to be a better man,” Trump said. “And I probably owe her a bigly thank you. She’s changed my life for the better, so if you don’t mind…”

Trump turned to some cameras and spoke directly into one.

“Michelle Obama, thank you, for your speech. It was moving and truly brilliant,” Trump said. “I am a changed man because of it, Michelle. So thank you, truly.”

An aide leaned over and whispered into the president’s ear.

“Oh, wait, sorry. I’m always getting THEM mixed up, and I did it again,” Trump said. He leaned back over to the aide and confirmed something. Nodding, he spoke again. “Sorry. Weezie from the Jeffersons, I thank you so so so much for your speech. You’re obviously one of the good ones, if you know what I mean. Like mine, what’s his name…Ben Carphone I think. Anyway, great job Weezie!”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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