President Trump Asks Mitch McConnell To Change Senate Rules To Single Vote Threshold For Everything

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, after being handed yet another major political defeat, and watching his party’s attempts to repeal and replace Obamacare die yet another death in the Senate, President Donald Trump took to Twitter to put public pressure on Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R) to change the Senate rules in a way that would let any proposal pass with a 51 vote majority. Traditionally, it has taken a two-thirds, or sixty vote, “Yes” vote on most things that are brought to a vote in the august body.

After sending that tweet and then leaving the White House on his routine coffee, covfefe, doughnut, hot dog, cheeseburger, pizza, deep fried lard run, Trump revised his demands on McConnell to change Senate rules.

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“I just got off the phone with my dear friend Mitch McConnell,” Trump told reporters as he left the White House, “and I asked him to go ahead and change the Senate rules like my tweet says, but in a little more drastic way, which is justified by all this UNPRESIDENTED obstruction from the Democrats.”

Trump indicated that he’d never heard of a political party “acting like such dicks” about a president’s agenda before.

“It’s not like we saw Mitch out there when Obama was president blocking everything as the minority in the Senate,” Trump said just before Sean Spicer leaned into his ear and whispered something, “Oh, well. Now. Um.”

Then Steve Bannon leaned in and whispered. Trump nodded his head.

“Right, as Steve here points out, that was different,” Trump insisted, “because Obama was, first, a Democrat, and also black. So you know, things and such.”

According to Trump, he asked McConnell to lower the vote threshold needed to advance any proposal in the Senate even lower than his tweet suggested.

“Bigly lower,” Trump quantified, “to, like, one vote. Mine. Some egghead lawyer told me I’m not technically in the Senate, but then Steve told me that I have infinite powers now. And apparently Republicans hate big, expansive government run by autocratic authoritarians, unless you know, they’re Republicans. So I think we can really do this thing.”

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Mr. Trump indicated that “real, good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing, Muslim bashing patriots” are tired of Washington not working for them. He said that “desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.”

“That show always helps me come up with my bestest ideas,” Trump explained, “and as I was watching it last night, I realized maybe I just need to be the Senate, all by myself. They can keep their jobs, I guess, but wouldn’t it just make way more sense for my vote to be the only vote that counts? Isn’t that why I won the popular vote by, like, six trillion votes, once you cancel out the sixteen quabillion illegal votes from California alone?”

McConnell, when asked as he entered the Senate chambers about Trump’s proposal, said it was “extreme” and an “overreaction based on the president and his administration’s lack of understanding” of how the government functions.

“But then again, he’s a Republican and so am I,” McConnell said, “so I’ll probably go along with it. In the rich tradition of Republicans like Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Ike putting party ahead of country. God Bless, America!”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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