Trump Calls Michael Cohen, Tapes, Putin, Russia, Election, Crooked Hillary, Electoral College, His Presidency ‘Fake News’

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  After a bombshell dropped on him in the form of CNN publishing one of the secret recordings made by his former attorney, Michael Cohen, President Donald Trump tweeted his initial outrage, and then a few hours more, released a statement calling pretty much the entire known universe “fake news.”

The president’s statement is reprinted faithfully, verbatim, below:

Dear America,

Very soon you will all be $130,000 richer. Let me explain.

Last night, while I was sleeping innocently in my bed, Ivanka nudged me awake and turned on FAKE NEWS CNN. Normally such a transgression gets you terminated in my regime — excuse me — administration. But this was My Beautiful Ivanka so I let it slide, this one time. To my surprise, I found out that FAKE NEWS CNN had a tape that some guy called Mikey Coham made, and they’re saying it’s me and him talking about a cover-up of an affair I had with a Playboy model.

First of all, Mikey Coham is fake news. He literally doesn’t exist. If people say he does, they’re lying, not me. Second off, the tapes are very fake news. Why wouldn’t I want a Playmate to tell everyone she doinked me? I have a hard time convincing people that women want to doink me unless there’s a marriage, or a raise in their weekly allowance involved. But if a Playboy chick comes out and says she handled my hang-down, that’s proof! 

Third of all — Putin is fake news, and so is Russia. No COLLUSION. NO COLLUSION. NO CO-FUCKING-LUSION. NEXT?

Oh, the election is fake news. That’s because we didn’t have an election. I was never president. None of this happened, any of it. Crooked Hillary? I never said that. I love Hillary Clinton. She’s amazing. Greatest president of all time if you ask me, and remember, I’m no longer president, and never have been, and should never be therefore held accountable for crimes I may have lightly committed during my tenure as president.

And if Crooked H and the election are fake news, so is the Electoral College. I mean, how fucking stupid a concept is it to give someone in farm territory more weight to their vote just because they live in a less popular state? It sounds kinda dumb, and the first time someone told me about it — election night — I didn’t believe them. It sounds so fucking fake! So, yeah, Electoral College? Fake news. I’m not president, and shouldn’t be treated like I am.

Which brings us to why you’ll all be, soon, $130,000 richer. Everyone knows the price I pay for silence and complicity is $130,000. I’m going to need you all to play along, and pretend that I was never president, okay? Because I really do not want to spend what little is left of my conman life behind bars. What I’d really love to do is live out the rest of my days in my gilded New York apartment, grabbing Eastern European/Ivanka pussy until I take my last, deep fried breath. So, you take the money, I get to do that, capice? 

Oh and don’t worry, Mexico will totally pay for all of this. You can trust me on that. Like you can trust me on everything.

All I ever wanted was a bigger dressing room for our stupid goddamned Apprentice shoots!

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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