Trump Says Michael Cohen Is His Lawyer Sometimes, But Was Never His Attorney

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump’s former personal attorney — a man Trump himself referred to as his “fixer” — has reportedly reached a plea deal with Federal prosecutors that has many wondering just how much dirt he has on the president, and just how hot the water is that he can put Mr. Trump into.

What President Trump knows or doesn’t know, understands or doesn’t understand, will likely be the subject of debate and discourse among historians and political scientists long after he has left office. In April, Trump seemed to dump more fuel on the fire raging over his mental acuity in a freewheeling, rambling, sometimes incoherent interview on “Fox & Friends.”

During the interview, Trump bounced from topic to topic, threatened to intervene in the Department of Justice’s special counsel investigation into Russian meddling and Trump campaign collusion during the 2016 presidential election, defended White House doctor Ronny Jackson who has now withdrawn his nomination to run the VA, and attempted to distance himself from Michael Cohen, an attorney who allegedly helped broker a $130,000 hush money payment to adult film star Stormy Daniels to keep the details of a sexual encounter she had with Trump while his wife Melania was pregnant with their son Baron under wraps.

Trump said that Cohen had represented him in a “tiny little fraction” of legal cases: “Like with this crazy Stormy Daniels deal, he represented me.” Trump previously said he did not know of the $130,000 payment that Cohen arranged to Daniels in exchange for his silence about an alleged past affair with Trump. (The Atlantic)

Cohen’s legal troubles — his payments could have violated federal and/or state campaign finance laws — are at the heart of why Trump is attempting to paint his relationship with Cohen in a more favorable light. After the long winded interview had concluded, Trump invited representatives from outlets he called “friendly” to him into the Oval Office and attempted to create even more daylight between himself and Mr. Cohen.

“This whole, what’s his name again, Mickey Coham thing is just blown way out of proportion,” Trump told the Breitbart and InfoWars reporters. “He may be my lawyer from time to time, but he was never my attorney.”

Trump explained further.

“Sure, Coheed and Cambria was a guy I hired to represent me in legal proceedings, but I don’t think that makes him my attorney,” Trump said. “Yes, I have talked to him about court cases, and yes, he has represented me in court, but I’m sorry, we don’t live in America anymore if that makes him my attorney.”

Trump kept on explaining his point of view.

“As far as I know, a lawyers and attorneys aren’t the same thing,” Trump said. “and there is nothing you can do to change my mind about that.”

After another thirty minutes of rambling on about CNN and “Crooked Hillary’s deep state plot to lose the election,” Trump snapped his fingers, signalling a new thought had entered his brain.

“I just thought of something, is he my attorney if I never paid his legal fees? Because I, like, never pay my bills, so,” Trump said. “Sounds like I just sewed that one up. Another bigly win for the Trump Train, chugga-chugga-woo-wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

President Trump high-fived himself and then bolted out of the White House, proclaiming his desire to “find a celebratory puss to grab.”

This story is developing.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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