MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — Immediately upon landing in the country, Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump asked Mexican President Enrique Nieto for a tour of the facilities where Mexico trains its citizens to rape, deal drugs, and prepare taco bowls.
“Hey, El Presidente,” Trump shouted as he got off the jet emblazoned with his name, “before we have our little meeting, I was hoping you could give me a tour of your infrastructure.” When President Nieto asked Trump which facilities the alleged billionaire would like to visit, Trump told him “all the important ones” and indicated he’d like to see where Mexico trains the rapists and drug dealers they send to America. He also added that a tour of Mexico’s official taco bowl factory would be “totally tits.”
President Nieto looked very confused. He turned to his advisers and asked them in Spanish what “the orange one” was talking about. All of his aides shrugged.
“I am sorry, Mr. Trump,” President Nieto said, “I don’t know which facilities you speak of.”
“C’mon President Nieto, don’t bullshit a bullshitter,” Trump said, “I know you’ve got your official state sponsored rape training facilities. I read about them on Breitbart in the same column about America’s FEMA camps where they’re going to force everyone into Sharia Gay Abortion Marriages. So make with the tour.”
Again, President Nieto told Trump no such facilities existed. Trump seemed to grow even unhappier. He tried again.
“Look, I’m a winner, okay,” Trump asked, “I win. I make the best deals. Everyone knows this. So how about we make a deal?”
The Mexican president tentatively agreed to hear the details of Trump’s proposal.
“You show me where you train the people you send over to America to learn how to deal drugs,” Trump offered, “and I’ll knock fifteen percent off the cost of the border wall.”
Nieta balked. He shook his head vigorously “no.” After speaking with his advisers once more, Nieto responded to Trump’s initial offer.
“I am sorry, Señor Chingando Naranja,” Nieto said, “but I cannot accept because Mexico will not pay a dime for your border wall idea. It is frankly rude and insulting that you assume we’re training rapists and drug dealers to send over the border. But it’s patently absurd that you think we’d feel any compulsion to pay for your border wall. Now, if you’d like to join me, we’ll go tour actual Mexican facilities, then go have a brief meeting on other issues.”
Trump was displeased.
“I always win,” Trump said.
“Okay, but, that doesn’t change what I just said,” Nieto replied.
“I know, but, I always win,” Trump said a little more forcefully.
“Still nothing changes, Señor Chingando Naranja,” Nieto insisted.
After about 10 minutes of Trump repeating to Nieta that he “always wins,” the two seemed to be at an impasse. Then, Trump waved his hands and shook his head.
“I tell you what, we’ll just put a pin this,” Trump said, “and the next time I come down here, I’ll be president and then we’ll see if your tune changes.”
Nieto grinned a wide, ear to ear grin. He had just been looking at FiveThirtyEight’s current projection models which gave trump only a 23% chance of winning. He responded to Trump after closing his smart phone’s browser.
“Okay, sure, Señor Racista Naranja,” Nieto said, “when you win the election and become president, you can come back down and we’ll negotiate this further. But only after you’re president.”
Trump, sensing he had finally won, agreed to those terms.
“Perfect, glad you see it my way way,” Trump said, “because I’m going to win the election in the same victorious manner with which I have run my companies…into the ground…and into bankruptcy court.”
In most current polling, Hillary Clinton would win in a landslide if the election were held today.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.