WASHINGTON, D.C.– President Donald Trump announced that he and his staff would be hosting a special ceremony for those who have fallen during American wars. The ceremony will be different from previous administrations, however, because Trump will only be specifically honoring those who died in service but were not captured before doing so.
“We’re going to have a bigly ceremony,” Trump told reporters, “and we’re going to honor all the many, many, many great men, and even the good or okayish black men, who fought and died for our country’s freedoms. We will not be honoring, of course, the beta-cucks who were captured first.”
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In 2015, then candidate Trump told reporters he didn’t have much respect for Senator John McCain because the Arizona Republican had been captured during the Vietnam War. Trump did not serve in any war.
Per Politico’s reporting at the time:
“He’s not a war hero,” said Trump. “He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.” (source)
At the press conference, Trump referenced his remarks about McCain.
“You know, a lot of folks in the FAKE NEWS tried to give me guff about saying McCain wasn’t a hero,” Trump said, “but who’s president? Me, baby, me. Who’s dead? John. Now, can we say for sure John would have died if he hadn’t fucked me so hard? I don’t know, but some people say I have God-like powers, and really, who am I to complain or deny that?
Mr. Trump said that even though he never served a day in any branch of the armed forces, he still is quite familiar with the sacrifices those who do serve have to make.
“If anyone knows about the sacrifices you make in the military, it’s me,” Trump insisted, “Not because I did or would serve, of course not. But, rather, because as an entitled, rich douchebag, I just presume that I know things I don’t, and all my voters go along with it because that’s how the GOP has programmed their brains to operate now.”
The president said that while the ceremony he’s hosting is only to honor vets who died without becoming prisoners of war first, that doesn’t mean those who were captured would not be honored at all. Trump said the ceremony for the captured veterans who were then killed in action will consist of a low-level staffer walking out to the curb in front of Arlington National Cemetery, and pouring out an entire 40-ounce bottle of malt liquor on the pavement.
“We’ll still celebrate the vets who weren’t captured first, but way, way less.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) peaked his giant, wet eyes out from underneath his shell to comment on the plans.
“Why, I declare this is the best idea since Wal-Mart starting carrying discount turtle food,” McConnell said, “and I promise I’m not just saying that because I’m a Republican and he’s a Republican. Deep down, I’m totally not feeling the burning, white-hot fires of shame and embarrassment for enabling this whackadoo toddler all in the craven pursuit of lower taxes for people who can afford to keep paying exactly what they are.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.