WASHINGTON, D.C. — He calls it his “Southern” or “Winter” White House, but after reports started surfacing that he’s cost taxpayers $10 million jetting off to his Florida estate, Co-President Donald Trump has offered the American people a deal he says they “cannot and should not refuse, by law.”
“Look, I get it,” Trump said in a TV address to the nation, “I respect your tax dollars. I respect them so hard. Many people tell me I respect them the most. But I need my R&R time, folks. You have no idea how hard it is being president. I’ve been president for a month, and yet it feels like six years to me, but I bet none of you know how that feels at all.”
In Trump’s address, he told the American people he has a “great idea” for how to pay for his trips to Mar-A-Lago. He said that his “head bean counting nerd” had come up with several ways to pay for the trips himself out of his “yooge, substantial fortune.”
“And he’s one of them there Oriental accountants,” Trump said, “so you know you can trust him. Oh, wait, I forgot what Ivanka told me last night in bed. I have to use the PC terms now. Pretend I called him Chinese, not Oriental, okay?”
Trump’s accountant, it was later revealed, is from Virginia, but his mother and father were both Vietnamese children brought here by an American GI in 1967. None of his accountant’s ideas interested Trump because that meant he’d have to for them.
“And anyone who’s ever worked for me on one of my construction jobs knows,” Trump insisted, “I don’t pay for shit unless the courts tell me I have to.”
So, Trump told the nation, he can pay for the weekend trips an entirely different way. Which is to say that the American taxpayers can pay for them. He explained it breathlessly, after several hard, deep snorts and sniffles.
“Okay, right, so,” Trump started, “check it out. If we just get rid of this program you’ve probably all never heard of — that’s how insignificant it really is — and then we totally gut this other random, no one gives a fuck program, too, then we can pay for my weekends at Mar-A-Lago. And I’ve looked into this, folks, so let me tell you…this is a great plan. A lot of times when you cut programs bad things happen, but nothing bad will happen, because these two programs are, like, really obscure. So obscure I’ve never heard of them.”
Twenty minutes and thirty sniffles later, Trump got around to what he was proposing to cut.
“Just keep in mind, when I lift lid up,” Trump said, a silver serving tray with a giant, shiny, silver domed lit on top of it in his hand, “that these programs are real, even though you’ve probably never heard of them. Okay? Ready? Here we go.”
Trump lifted the lid. Two Post-It notes with the words “Social Security” and “Medicare” written on them were all that was on the tray.
“See, you’ve never heard of ’em,” Co-President Trump said, beaming, “and now, on a totally unrelated note, here’s Speaker of the House Paul Ryan to tell you all about some new, tasty cat food varieties you and your grandma are both sure to love!”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.