Trump Demands Medal of Honor for Visiting Troops in Iraq on Christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump issued a formal presidential decree demanding that the United States Congress meet immediately for the purpose of conferring upon him the Congressional Medal of Honor. Trump’s decree indicates that he believes that he earned the highest honor Congress can bestow for his “valiant and courageous visit to the troops in Iraq” on Christmas.

“Dear Congress, give me Medal of Honor or me be rill rill sad,” Trump reportedly wrote himself, with so many key officials having quit or been fired from his administration this year. “Because I’m positive I earned the Medal of Honor by storming into Iraq and visiting the troops, something that I’m told by the six humans and one Stephen Miller on my staff has never, ever, ever, ever, ever been done. Seriously, try to find another instance of me going to a war zone in my life! I’d bet my bone spurs you can’t!”

The president had faced some criticism from both the left and right for choosing not to visit the troops stationed in Iraq or Afghanistan over Christmas. It’s unclear at this time why the president’s demand for a medal of honor states that his visit was unprecedented, as presidents in the modern age have all managed to visit soldiers stationed overseas during the holidays. Trump would later defend his choice of words while speaking to reporters in the Oval Office.

“When I say that this it is a historic first for President Trump to visit the troops, it is 100% bigly truth,” Trump said. “If you can find any other time in history that a President Trump visited the troops, I’ll retract my statement. Otherwise — as they say in my favorite game of strategy, known of course as chest because you keep the pieces in chests, CHEX MIX, LIBS.”

Congress is in recess, and when it resumes after the winter break, Trump’s party will not hold the majority in the House of Representatives. One might presume that Democratic House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi wouldn’t be open to honoring Trump in such a way, but she surprised quite a crowd this morning when she was asked at a local diner back home in California about Trump’s demand.

“I think this is an opportunity for bipartisan compromise,” Pelosi said while eating a fresh fruit salad. “How about we give the Medal of Honor to the president’s bone spurs instead?”

The White House has not responded to Pelosi’s offer of a deal.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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