Angry Orangutan Who Kept Birther Movement Alive For 8 Years Tweets All Weekend About Fake News

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An orange-faced, alleged billionaire and angry orangutan lashed out on Twitter this weekend, attacking the free press.

The orangutan in question first became famous in America for using his parents’ wealth to tread water in life, never really achieving much more than infamy, and ultimately becoming the butt of pop culture references. The tangerine skinned beast was unable to keep even casinos open and profitable, and by the 1980’s and 1990’s, only Russian banks would do business with him, as he was seen as a bad credit risk. By the start of the 21st century, the bitter old orangutan was relegated to hosting a predictable, and increasingly less popular reality-TV series called “The Apprentice.”

To make his first entry onto the world political stage, the irascible elderly orangutan became the de facto leader of the “Birther” movement, which claimed that former President Barack Obama was in fact Kenyan, and not American. The movement was easily discredited, but it took the bitter primate years to admit it, and he spent most of Obama’s term allegedly hiring private investigators to track down Obama’s “real” birth certificate, and generally kept a very racist rumor alive on the lips of rank and file Republicans for years.

In a series of tweets beginning back on December 9th, the tangerine tinted tyrant laid into several news outlets he accuses of being “fake.” The spiteful, carrot stained primate accused CNN, ABC, and others of “gross incompetence” and making a “purposeful mistake.”

CNN seemed to really get under the the paltry-fingered, obsessive compulsive, likely senile, very upset and agitated orangutan’s skin, and he lashed out even further at them.

When a reporter for The Washington Post tweeted a picture of a nearly empty arena where a rally for the orangutan was set to be held, and it turned out that photo was from hours before the rally, the peach colored piss ant who rather appropriately likes Russian whore piss was incensed and attacked the reporter, who had already apologized and deleted the tweet.

Even though the picture the reporter used was genuine, just from a less relevant time in the night of the rally, the enraged septuagenarian lashed out again, demanding he be fired, despite that kind of thing being regarded as beneath the dignity of the office the orangutan holds.

A few hours later, the coral dyed half-pig, half-orangutan, whole douchebag was tweeting about how great the economy that he inherited from the man he trolled with a racist rumor for nearly a decade is doing. The orangutan made sure to take a shot at the “Fake News” who he says purposefully doesn’t cover how well the economy is doing so he doesn’t get credit for it.

In a final bit of tantrum rage, the angry orangutan called the press, an institution protected by the Constitution of the United States of America in its very first amendment, a “stain on America.”

UPDATE: As this item was being written, the orangutan sent yet another tweet, outraged by a story in The New York Times he called fake. The story involved his television watching habits.

A deputy managing editor for The Times responded to the orangutan’s tweet, saying the paper stands by its reporting.

No word from the D.C. Zoo as to when they expect the angry, orange, Russian puppet orangutan to be contained and brought back into captivity.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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