WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump has just barely over 24 hours left on the clock, and then he will no longer be President of the United States. While Trump has spent the majority of the last four years pretending to be the country’s chief executive, many on the Hill have been wondering — and speculating — as to how he’d fill his final hours in office.
Would he start pumping out 11th hour pardons for himself and his family? Would he try to start a nuclear confrontation with California over their Electoral College votes? Not many seemed to be very sure about Trump’s plans for his final day in office, but this morning his administration let the cat out of the bag.
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“The president has cleared the rest of his schedule and will spend the entire day going from room to room within The White House,” Assistant Deputy Press Secretary Joey Gerbils reported to the media today, “and will fart in each room he visits. Perhaps he’ll fart more than once, but he will not have time to visit any room more than once, so we wants to ensure that any farting he does while inside a specific room will be a sufficient amount of farting.”
Trump’s idea is to have The White House “so farted up” when President-elect Joe Biden and First Lady Dr. Jill Biden arrive on Wednesday that they decide it’s not worth living in there after all.
“Who knows? Maybe if Dear President can drop enough stinky cheese,” Gerbils suggested, “it might become too foul smelling in The White House for the Bidens, and they’ll be forced to abandon it, leaving it right where President Trump can swoop in, fart it up some more, and then stay president for, well, ever, really.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, many of Trump’s most vocal supporters in Congress have come out strongly in favor of his plan to fart-up The White House. Ted Cruz, who helped foment outrage among Trump loyalists with false claims of a stolen election, told reporters that he thinks the “Founding Fathers themselves would applaud” Trump’s plan. Devin Nunes said in an interview on Newsmax TV that he “knows firsthand what the president’s farts are like,” and that he “pities the Bidens” for having to “walk into that nightmare.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.