Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Don Jr ‘Disappointed’ Hunter Biden Used His Name for Personal Gain

Published on

If there is one thing that everyone knows about the crotch-fruit of Donald Trump, it’s that they absolutely loathe and despise any form of nepotism, and are outraged when they see someone using their famous name and wealthy, well-connected family ties for personal enrichment. Given the Trump family’s noted and documented aversion to nepotism, it’s perhaps no surprise that yesterday Donald Jr, Ivanka, and Eric Trump joined Ivanka’s husband Jared Kushner in publishing an open letter that condemned Hunter Biden.

In the Trumps’ letter, they argue that Hunter should be “very disappointed and angry with himself” for trading on his family’s name, as the son of current President Joe Biden, for personal enrichment. The letter is reprinted below, verbatim.

MORE: Democrats Will Just Debate a Literal Sack of Shit in 2024

To Whom It May Concern,

We, the beautiful, uncorrupted, perfect children of the Greatest President of All Time wish to use this opportunity to express that we are all outraged, offended, and quite frankly just extremely disappointed in Hunter Biden, son of Sleepy Po-Peepy Joe Biden, who apparently gets to stay president just because he won the election, or whatever. Hunter Biden should absolutely be ashamed of himself, and of course we, the collective progeny of the Man Who Puts His Name On Everything He Owns Like a Dog Pisses On Every Tree He Sees are the exactly right people to call Hunter on the carpet for his rampant and unapologetic nepotism, which is a word we definitely know how to use and spell and wasn’t suggested to us by President Daddy’s speechwriter, by the way!

Ivanka was just telling Jared last night as they reviewed the dozens of Chinese copyrights she secured during her father’s tenure in office how sad she was seeing the reports that Hunter Biden might have used his name to increase his financial worth. She said that it’s the worst example of such a thing she can recall, though she admits that being dumb as shit, it’s possible she’s not remembering someone else being so brazenly nepotistic.

Eric was just telling his brother, Donald Jr, as they drove over to the Trump Organization together, after they flew into New York from Florida on a big plane with their daddy’s last name on it, how chilling and frightening it is to live in a world where there’s so much nepotism. It’s almost enough to make Eric want to stop stealing money from kids with cancer. Almost, but not quite, really.

We hereby demand, as the Trump Family, that Hunter Biden immediately stop using his father’s name for personal advancement. If he doesn’t, when our father gets back in office, he will make Hunter’s life a living hell! The choice is Hunter’s, but we hope he’ll take this warning seriously and stop profiting off his dad’s name!


Donald Trump Jr, Ivanka Trump, Eric Trump, and Jared Kushner-Trump

P.S. How’d we do DADDY?!


MORE: Of Course I Believe a Billionaire Wants to Protect My Freedom of Speech. I’m a Fucking Moron.


Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Steve Bannon Wants You to Send Him Copies of Obama’s and Hillary’s Books While He’s in Prison

"I aggressively fantasize about both of them in my dreams." After writing about politics for...

Ashley’s Diary, Hunter’s Laptop, Obama’s Birth Certificate, and the Bible: All the Facts I Need

The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and Trump 2024 surrogate Dustin Pewpsin....

Betrayal? RFK’s Brain Worms Just Endorsed Donald Trump

"Much like how an Evangelical Christian can read the Bible and not know anything...

Every Former President Ranked from Least to Most Felony Convictions

Our regular readers will likely recall that part of our mission statement here --...