Trump Orders Jack Tweeter Arrested for Treason

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It was no surprise when the order came from the Oval Office at just after sunrise this morning. When Twitter decided to permanently ban him, the whole world likely understand that President Donald J. Trump — who has only eleven days left in office — would retaliate in some fashion or another.

This morning, Trump ordered “Jack Tweeter” to be “immediately and bigly arrested with great force.” Trump wants the man he personally blames for suspending his Twitter account to be tried for treason. In an email sent to various news outlets due to his social media accounts all being suspended, Trump questions the “First Amendment’s necessity” and says that “Tweeter should pay a price stiffer than [his] dong ever gets.”

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“Twitter had no right to take my account, and my beautiful MAGA cult followers away, just because it’s their website, their servers, and their platform,” Trump’s announcement states. “Therefore, effective immediately, I hereby order Jonathan ‘Jack’ Tweeter be immediately and bigly arrested with great force. Try him for treason.”

Trump also issued an ultimatum to Facebook CEO “Mark Zuckerbook.”

“Mark, if you do not give me back my account on your website, I will authorize a full-blown nuclear strike on Silicon Valley,” Trump warned. “I will bring down the might and fury of the American military on you, Mark. Just because I use your website to rile up my angry, violent followers, you can’t take away my voice! YOU ARE LITERALLY KILLING ME!”

On the Hill, Senator Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Balls) indicated he thinks it’s the “right time and right place” to arrest and try social media CEOs for treason.

“We only have a few short days left in this American christofascist white nationalist regime,” Cruz said, “and God willing that gives us just enough time to use the power of our government to tell these private companies what to do with their equipment, and who they absolutely have to allow to use their services for free. Because we believe in the free market. As in, the market is free to cater to us and our fee-fees.”

This is a developing story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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