WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has issued an emergency McProclamation from the Oval office this morning, demanding that twenty-four states and the District of Columbia be “immediately and permanently ejected from the United States of America.”
As the vote counts continue from last week’s historic presidential election, Trump has watched his hopes for a second turn be smashed into pieces. For a man who prided himself on winning his one and only political contest he entered, and who self-branded himself as a “winner” throughout his life, becoming a one-term president — and a president who lost the popular vote both times he ran — must sting his ego, at least a bit. Trump has refused to concede, even as it has become apparent he has no real path to victory without the courts stepping in and invalidating thousands and thousands of legally cast ballots. It perhaps, then, comes as no surprise that this morning in attempted to shrink the U.S. by almost half its states
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“Today, I hereby DEMAND that the states of Washington, Oregon, Arizona, Nevada, Colorado, New Mexico, Georgia,” Trump howled from the White House balcony, “holy shit…did all…did I actually lose ALL these states? Jesus Christ, no wonder we fired Parscale…anyway…Virginia, Pennsylvania, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New Jersey, Maryland, Delaware, and the District of Columbia be immediately and permanently ejected from the United States of America.”
The Civil War was fought in the mid-19th century when several states attempted to leave the union after Abraham Lincoln’s election in 1960. Southern states still living under the economic model of slavery saw Lincoln’s presidency as a direct threat to their agrarian lifestyle and the free labor it took to sustain it, and sent letters to the federal government, advising them that slavery was more important to them than staying united with their fellow states anymore. Lincoln fought the war on the premise that the Constitution doesn’t have a clause allowing states to leave, and ultimately won the war and brought the states that had left back into the union, though historians and scholars note the transition was not, and still has not been fully completed peacefully.
“Quite frankly this is probably something I should have done at some point in the last four years,” Trump yelled, “but I was too busy writing love letters to Kim Jong-Un and demanding foreign governments help me extort Joe Biden. So that’s on me, honestly, and I will take the blame for it. Just kidding, I blame Mike Pence.”
Somewhere, just a few miles away, Pence was watching the president on TV, and reportedly a single tear left his right eye and dribbled down his cheek upon being thrown under the bus by his boss.
“I have instructed Billy Barr — by the way, has anyone seen him since we held that Coney Barrett Super Spreader party in the Rose Garden? — to immediately begin eviction notices for those states,” Trump announced. “I consider this to be an electoral coup perpetrated on me by over 75 million Never Trumpers, and that just cannot happen to another president again. The only way to insure that, is to make sure that only red states are in the U.S.”
Attorney General Barr’s office has yet to issue any statement on Trump’s newest request. President Trump became the first setting president to have never won the popular vote in either of his elections last week. Trump is also the president to attempt reelection after being impeached. He is also the first president to openly lust after his daughter and authoritarian dictators equally during his term.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.