Trump Says Picking Kennedy’s Replacement Will Be Top Agenda Item In Summit With Putin

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced today that he will be meeting with Russian co-President Vladimir V. Putin next month in their first face to face summit. 

“I’m looking forward to this summit with the same anticipation you get when you’re about to see someone who gave you very nice, bigly gift,” Trump said. “I’m really looking forward to thanking him for helping me win, but you know, NO COLLUSION and all that stuff I say, right? Got it on tape, that I said NO COLLUSION? Good.”

During his routine morning ramble, Trump let slip what one of the most pressing agenda items between Putin and himself will be — picking a replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy.

“Vlad told me awhile back on the back channel I had Jared set up that he’s got a pretty good list of judges he’d like to pick from,” Trump said. “In the spirit of international friendship and diplomacy, I will be letting him do most of the picking. It’s only fair. I mean, he bought it, know what I mean?”

Trump explained that he has a legal rationale for letting Putin help him choose Kennedy’s replacement.

“It says right in the Constitution that the person who won the election gets to pick burrito Supreme justices,” Trump said, “and I am not one to ever go against the Constitution. Except the First Amendment part. Free speech? I mean, really? Free? What are we Commies now?”

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Mr. Trump also laid out a few more agenda items that he would like to address with Mr. Putin.

“First and foremost, I never got reimbursed for my coat that one of his Golden Shower Ladies ruined during one of the parties he set up,” Trump said. “Melanie was there, she can tell you all about it when she gets back from her mining expedition to the mountains of Alaska. You’d be surprised at how good Melanie is at digging for gold.”

Reached for comment, Putin expressed “great anticipation” for the meeting and said he “looks forward to meeting” his “little orange lap dog.”

“As I had Roger Stone relay to Paul Manafort’s prison cellmate to get to Donald, I have been looking forward to this meeting for some time,” Putin told Russian reporters. “Finally getting to meet my little orange lap dog face to face will be quite enjoyable. I believe I’m using that term right, lap dog, my English isn’t perfect.”

Someone leaned into Putin’s ear and whispered.

“Ah, da, thank you,” Putin said. “Correction — I look forward to meeting my little orange bitch and picking America’s next Supreme Court Justice for him.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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