WASHINGTON, D.C. — Offering to “help two sexual predators with one stone,” President Donald Trump told Democrats today that he’d be willing to rescind Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination to the Supreme Court, but only if they’d be amenable to confirming his replacement “right away.”
“Look, I’m an asshole, but I’m not a monster okay,” Trump said in the Oval Office this morning. “So how about we do a deal, okay? Everyone knows I’m great at deals, probably the best, really, if people are being honest and not listening to what their ears tell them and they ignore what they see with their own two eyes.”
For the next thirty minutes, the president rambled on about how great he is at making deals, who someone can ask to verify how great he is at making deals, and who is absolutely terrible at making deals.
“Pretty much everyone is worse at making deals than me,” Trump said. “So that’s why when I tell you this idea, I promise at least half of you will literally cream your jeans. Ready?”
Trump took a deep breath and cocked his head at a twenty-five degree angle, looking upward. Aides say this is what he calls his “thinking pose” which he does just before speaking about something. A fart was heard, which aides say signals the end of his “thinking pose.”
“I know a guy named William Cosby, he’s a doctor so you know you can trust him,” Trump said. “He’s been, I think, treated very unfairly by our justice system. At first, I didn’t think he was treated that unfairly — brown skin and all, you get it.”
Trump winked at Stephen Miller, who was on the far side of the room masturbating to History channel documentaries about Hitler.
“Bill’s a super funny guy, too, by the way. He’s got this really incredible bit,” Trump said, “where he drugs, gropes, sexually assaults, and rapes women! HIGH-LARRY-US!”
Trump farted again.
“Oh! That reminds me, we already looked into it and he doesn’t have to have a law degree or ever served on any bench to be on the Supreme Court. That’s just another example of how smart the 20-somethings that started this country were! There are literally no requirements for who holds one of the most important jobs in our country. So Bill’s way good there, people.”
With one last fart, Trump admitted that he’ll have to clear one hurdle with Cosby.
“He’s a convicted criminal, so I’m not sure how that would work, and I can’t pardon him because they were state crimes that put him away,” Trump said. “Because boy this could be way easier if i could just I pardon Bill, bing, take out Brett, bang, and then put Bill in his place, BOOM! President Trumpin’ that shit to another win, bigly!”
This is a developing story.