Trump Wonders If Kavanaugh Accusers ‘Maybe Let’ Themselves Be Assaulted ‘For Totally Political Reasons’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, another bombshell allegation of sexual misconduct from Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s past — this time from his college years — was published and it has sent the Trump administration scrambling once more.

Just days after the identity of Christine Blasey Ford — the first woman to step forward and accuse Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct while the two were at a party in high school, Ms. Deborah Ramirez’s account of a sexually inappropriate incident involving Mr. Kavanaugh and herself was published in The New YorkerMr. Trump had largely stayed out of the fray for the first several days of the controversy that swelled around Ford and Kavanaugh, but by the end of last week, he was defending his nominee. This morning, Trump called the accusations “political” in motivation, and then later, in the Oval Office, he sucked back a crate of Diet Coke and four buckets of KFC, and hypothesized about the women’s motivations further.

“Look, all I’m asking is if they really tried all that hard to get away from Brett, or if they figured out there was a reason to let themselves be humiliated and violated like that,” Trump mused as KFC crumbs fell from his third chin. “That’s all, no big whoop. Calm your tits, America.”

Ripping off the lid of yet another bucket of chicken, Trump continued.

“I’m just saying if they’d resisted him as hard as they resist my agenda,” Trump said, his mouth full of fry batter and moist chicken, “maybe we wouldn’t all be in this situation today.”

“It’s obvious to me and everyone I pay to be nice to my face that these alleged incidents were all about two people — me and also me,” Trump said. “Clearly these women knew, all those years ago, that the man trying to shove his dick into their personal space was going to be nominated by me to the Burrito Supreme Court, and hair-go, they conspired to take me down from within, using Obama McBlacky’s Deep State tactics.”

Trump paused, made a face, and farted.

“Ah, there we go. Anyway, the point is that this is all very obvious, very clear, and very true,” Trump said. “These two women allowed themselves to be sexually abused by Brett Kavanaugh to get at me, twenty or thirty years later.”

Trump paused again, letting out a much wetter fart.

“And this obviously goes for any other women who may or may not have been uninvited guests at the Kavanaugh Kock Karnival,” Trump said. “They prolly swore a blood oath over Obama’s real birth certificate.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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