Trump Pushed FDA to ‘Just Say Big Macs Make You Skinnier’

With each passing day, the American public finds out a little bit more about the man who spent four years in the Oval Office that promised to put “America First” and that he’d help them “Make America Great Again.” Since he’s left office, Americans have learned that former President Donald J. Trump tried desperately to get officials in key swing states to throw out their official vote tallies and declare him the winner, and this week the public found out he also tried to get Department of Justice officials to declare the election “corrupt,” but was rebuffed by the DOJ.

This morning, a new, perhaps even more explosive story hit the news wires. In an effort to convince Americans that he was fit and trim, Trump reportedly put pressure on the Food and Drug Administration to declare McDonald’s Big Mac sandwich a dietary supplement. Trump further pressured the FDA to announce that eating Big Macs could lead to rapid weight loss and “make you skinnier.”

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“To Whom It Better Motherfucking Concern,” Trump wrote in a leaked email to the FDA, “I hereby decree and order that you, the Food and Drug Administration, declare Big Macs a dietary supplement capable of helping you lose weight.”

But the FDA wasn’t interested in following Trump’s commands. A reply email politely informed Trump that the FDA had no such powers, and that even it did, such a declaration would cast serious doubt on its authority. An incensed Trump wrote back.

“I don’t give a fuck if you think you have the authority! I hereby give it to you,” Trump wrote back, “just say Big Macs make you skinnier. I’ll have Dr. Ronny Jackson figure out how to make that true. Leave the rest up to me and Mark Meadows. We’re bigly smart and will figure it out.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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