WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sub-President Donald J. Trump told reporters this morning that President Steve Bannon had given him permission to announce that he and his legal team are preparing to file briefs to fight a ruling against his so-called “Muslim Ban” by the Ninth Circuit court of appeals.
“I’m ready, my team is ready,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office during a photo-op, “and we’re going to win. I know Judy personally. She’s tough but fair.”
Trump was referring to the fact that up to that point he was under the impression the next step in the legal battle over his executive order would be an appearance on “Judge Judy.” Sub-President Trump told the media he was “really excited” to go on the show because “this presidenting thing ain’t easy,” but that “being on reality-TV is natural” for him.
“I’m gonna win that case so hard,” Trump said, his face beaming and his hands gesticulating wildly, “those a-holes in the Ninth Circuit will regret defying me. What do they think they are, a branch of government that has the same weight I do? Some kinda, like, co-equal branch that has the right to put me check and balance my power against theirs?”
Sub-President Trump took a deep breath. He wiped a tiny bit of spittle or foam from his mouth. He sighed.
“Somebody should get those judgey fucks a copy of the Constitution,” Trump said smugly.
Mr. Trump announced that he was ready to instruct congress to force the courts to “do a change of venue thingy” and move the next stage of appeals to the “Judge Judy” show. Though it’s just a TV show with no actual, legal influence on the matter regarding his Muslim ban, sources say it’s really important to the sub-president to get the chance to take his court before the show’s star. Trump explained why.
“I just want to win, okay,” Trump said, “and if I can’t win in real court, as a reality-TV star, I’d like to at least win in the context of the life I was living before — on TV. I don’t really care that it’s not legally binding. The only who really cares about this fuckin’ Muslim ban thing is Steve. He hasn’t shut the fuck up about it since we were on the campaign trail. And I’ve been going along with it because, hey, this guy got me the coolest gig ever, right? So I just wanna win, okay? And I think Judy would give me a fair hearing.”
Reached for comment, Judge Judy Sheindlind, host and judge on “Judge Judy,” simply laughed for fifteen solid minutes and then hung up abruptly. She could be heard saying, “What a fuckin’ putz,” as she hung up.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.