Trump Tells Ivanka He’s Going to Pinch Her No Matter How Much Green She’s Wearing

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, and nobody knows that better than former, one term, twice permanently impeached, subject of several criminal investigations, historically least popularly elected, President Donald Trump.

Reportedly, St. Patrick’s Day is one of Trump’s all-time favorite holidays. According to the staff at Mar-A-Lago, Trump really gets into the spirit of things. Usually, he can be seen pinching staff and guests who aren’t wearing green, from sun up to sundown. Apparently, though, there’s one person Trump likes to pinch, no matter how much green she’s wearing.

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“This morning, I overheard Mr. Trump on the phone with former First Lady Ivanka,” one anonymous staffer told us in a Skype call. “He told her to come over for St. Paddy’s brunch, and that he’d made a special reservation for the two of them, with private seating. Which he then said meant she’d be seating her privates on his face.”

Then, former President Trump told his daughter-lover that he planned to “pinch her by the pussy,” according to our source.

“Trump told Ivanka she should let him do it, because he’s a star,” our source said. “He was laughing hysterically, and she was crying loudly enough on the other end that we could all hear her. ”


Happy #StPatricksDay from #DonaldTrump and #IvankaTrump everyone! #satire #politics #political #politik

♬ original sound – James Schlarmann – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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