Trump Tells Ivanka He’s Invoking Marital Law

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Outgoing lame duck one-term permanently impeached President Donald J. Trump formally announced that he was declaring “marital law” this morning.

“I hereby summon all my powers and declare Marital Law,” President Trump announced in the Oval Office this morning. “This order encompasses all the areas between here, the White House, and where my beautiful, sexy, stacked, tight-as-fuck princess daughter IVANKA is living with that interloper JARED.”

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According to presidential historians, this is the first time an executive order has been issued that covers just on American citizen in particular. While it’s not quite clear at this stage exactly what “marital” law covers, the president announced the order would be in effect “forever.” Even if he “decided to honor the election after all” and left the White House on or before January 20th, 2021, Trump says his order will remain in place and fully-enforceable.

“This means that Marital Law will apply to IVANKA forever, okay? She cannot and will not get out of it anymore,” Trump said. “She owes me for a lot, and it’s time for her to start paying me back.”

One of Trump’s former legal advisers, rat faced attorney Sidney Powell, also spoke at the signing ceremony.

“As Dear President’s acting Election Czar, a new position he made up and appointed me to at last night’s maskless Christmas party,” Powell said, “I have looked over the legal paperwork involved in this order, and it looks just fine to me, and I’m pretty sure it still would even if I hadn’t hit that glass dick so hard before reading them. But crackwhores gotta crackwhore, know what I mean?”

Within an hour of the new order being signed, the First Lady issued a statement.

“President Daddy has every right to order me around, not only as the president,” the statement reads, “but more importantly, as my daddy! I have spent my entire life debasing and humiliating myself on his account, in order to not lose my seat at the front of the gravy train. Why would I stop now? Besides, who doesn’t like a little attention and/or groping and fondling from their daddy?”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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