WASHINGTON, D.C. — All in all, the general takeaway from the opening day of former President Donald J. Trump’s second impeachment trial was, for the most part, an unmitigated disaster for him. Granted, forty-four Republican Senators still voted to dismiss the charge that he fomented and incited a violent insurrection at the capitol on January 6th. However, Trump’s legal team’s performance was so baffling in its long-winded irrelevance and attempts to deflect all attention away from what their client did that day, that one Republican Senator from Louisiana, a Trump loyalist throughout his single term, actually voted with the Democrats and five other Republicans to go forward with the trial.
Apparently, the former reality-TV game show host and bottled water salesman was so irate with his legal team’s showing that he’s fired them both and decided to hire a single lawyer to replace them — Springfield’s Lionel Hutz.
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Mr. Hutz, famous for his own comical courtroom appearances while representing various members of the Simpson family and other residents of their town, has never tried such a high profile case. He’s also never represented a former president. In fact, Hutz’ legal experience is in mostly winning settlements for personal injury cases. Nevertheless, as of now, he’s Trump’s impeachment lawyer.
“The former president thinks this is as good a time as any to completely change up his legal team,” a letter issued from Trump’s office in Florida states. “As such, he’s decided that Mr. Lionel Hutz should take the reins, and the former president has every confidence that Mr. Hutz will do a better job than the two chucklefucks who embarrassed him so bigly yesterday.”
At a brief press conference, Hutz told reporters he was “honored and delighted” to be leading Trump’s team.
“You know, when I graduated in the top 295th percentile in my class from the Springfield Barber and Law School,” Hutz declared, “I always knew I’d be destined for great things. But who knew I’d be tapped to represent the most beloved president of all time in his second impeachment trial? Talk about a slam dunk! Everyone loves this guy!”
Just then a paralegal on Hutz’ staffed leaned in and whispered something into his ear, seeming to cause Hutz some alarm.
“What’s that you say? Approval ratings never got above 40% and he lost the popular vote both times by massive margins and most Americans hate him,” Hutz asked his assistant. “Well, now might be as a good time as any to hand out my business cards to you all and remind you that I also specialize in getting you money for an injury, even if — no EX-SPECIALLY IF — you weren’t the one injured, or anywhere near the accident.”
Trump’s second impeachment trial could wrap-up as early as next week.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.