BEDMINSTER, NEW JERSEY — This morning, as he was coming off the 15th tee at his golf club in New Jersey, President Donald Trump casually remarked to reporters following his game about the immigration legislation that was unveiled at the White House last week. In a development that might complicate the efforts of congressional Republicans to push their newly proposed law through the House and Senate, Trump said that he didn’t think, upon further reflection, that the policy proposals go far enough to limit immigration, even when done “legally.”
“You know, some people have been saying that the new immigration proposal is too harsh,” Trump told the press pool, “but honestly, I think it doesn’t go far enough. We have plenty of people here already. I’m thinking we need to ratchet down how many people we let in much, much biglier.”
President Trump indicated that he’d like to see the number of immigrants allowed into America reduced to just those women who are coming here to one day be one of his wives.
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“Part of me wanted to say we didn’t want any immigrants to come here any more,” Trump said, “but then I realized that Melania’s going to be fifty years old in a few years. Gross.”
Trump indicated that by limiting legal immigration to only women who want to marry him some day, he can “grab two pussies with one hand.”
“First off,” Trump pointed out, “I keep a campaign promise. Second off, I make all those lovely, hooded and robed folks who voted for me very happy. Thirdly, if we make the pool of contestants, er I mean immigrants, small enough, I can personally interview only the hottest — excuse me, most qualified — candidates. Then, we only let the best of the best, the cream of the crop, the bigly of bigliest in. And also keep those, you know, PIGMENTED types out…Know what I mean? Of course you do, a-cha-cha-cha!”
Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said that as long as tax cuts for the wealthy are included in any proposal Trump makes on immigration, he’ll support it.
“Nothing makes my pants tighter in the hard zone than making rich people richer,” Ryan said, “Because I just imagine dear, sweet, beautiful, SEXY Ayn Rand looking down on me from above, and flicking that wrinkled bean of hers as I rip services from poor people so a hedge fund manager can have a fourth home. God I love my job!”
Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer of New York told reporters he’s “shocked and appalled” by Trump’s new suggestion for immigration policy.
“This is sexist, xenophobic craziness should not be what we use to guide our country’s policy on immigration,” Schumer said, “and I’m shocked and appalled by this mere suggestion. I swear to God I might just do something about it too.”
“But you know, don’t hold me to that,” Schumer said, “as a Democrat actions speak louder than words, but are, like, way harder to do.”
This story is developing.